Posted by Dinah on June 25, 2014, at 8:35:05
In reply to Re: Saw him, posted by baseball55 on June 24, 2014, at 20:52:41
I don't feel particularly comfortable revealing the part of this that doesn't concern me. I've probably said too much as it is, but I've always been honest here about what happened between us.
All I can say was that if he cared at all, his caring made no provision for me whatsoever. Maybe you think that's an unreasonable expectation. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it depends a lot on what you think being a therapist means. But given the things he's said over the years about trust and never abandoning me and seeing me when we both need our canes to hobble to wherever it is we meet and promising that no matter what we'd work something out, and given the fact that he encouraged me to continue to see him twice a week even when I tentatively suggested that I should cut back because he thought I needed him, and given the fact that he has said he sees therapy as a sacred responsibility, I can't quite see how he felt so little responsibility for me.
In his position I'd have been racked by guilt. I couldn't have "put myself first" until I was sure that those who relied on me were adequately taken care of. I wouldn't have waited six weeks to contact someone I knew would be distraught at an email message that even he admits was one that would make people think he was dying. I wouldn't have waited six weeks to release that person from agony. It would have been my first, second, and third thought and I would never have been able to adequately concentrate on myself with that on my conscience. I'm not saying he *should* have felt that way. But I am saying that I don't quite understand the thinking of someone who doesn't feel that way. It's too far out of my realm of understanding, and my understanding of the people I know best in life.
My therapist always did think I had an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. And I always strongly suspected that he had an underdeveloped one. And loved him anyway.
For twenty years I spent two hours a week with him. And in that time I've stood by him at times when he wasn't a particularly good therapist. I stood by him when he fell asleep during our sessions for months or years at a time. I not uncommonly gave him support when he needed it. And never begrudged it, because he wasn't just a service provider. He was someone who provided a service to me, but with whom I had built up a relationship that was more than service provision. Or thought I had. I acted as if I had, and he acted as if I had. It was a professional relationship but not an impersonal relationship.
Was he capable of doing better at that particular moment? I don't know. Was he capable of doing better before six weeks? I'm reasonably sure that if I were a priority for him, he could have done *something* more.
Am I angry? I don't detect any feelings of anger in me, though it may sound like it because I've faced some difficult facts with a somewhat cynical attitude. I'm accepting of my place in his life and his heart. I accept that he is what he is. Does he care? Sure, within limits that aren't really what I need from him.
Am I hurt? Probably there is hurt in that acceptance. Certainly there is pain.
Am I distrustful? Do I trust that his caring is deep enough to go out of his way to try to avoid causing pain to me? Do I trust that his caring won't cause me pain over and over again? No. I don't. How on earth could I? I suppose I trust that he will continue to think of himself first and me a metaphorical or literal six weeks later. I trust that because that's what he did. Am I to trust his words or his actions?
Cautious? Absolutely.
Self protective? Yes, and I'm damn proud of that. I'd be pretty pathetic if I went crawling back to him and accepted what it is he has to offer. If I'd have put myself in the way of suffering whatever pain he causes me because I'm so happy to have him in my life.
Perhaps he never really cared. Or perhaps I "won" as much caring as he is capable of giving me as a client and as a person. And discovered, as is so often the case, the "winning" isn't worth the effort and pain.
Am I unreasonable? Maybe I am. But I need what I need, and he's not capable of giving it to me. Unreasonable of me or not, it is unwise of me to continue to put myself in the way of pain - even if that pain is caused by my unreasonable expectations.
Even if I'm the most selfish bitch in creation for not lovingly continuing this relationship that is causing me pain and has often caused me pain, I'm still not going to continue it. Maybe I need to think of myself first. Maybe I need to promise not to put my family through the angst of my collapse when he disappeared.
My therapist would be the first person to agree that sometimes people need to put themselves first.
If you don't understand, there is no real need for you to respond. I appreciate your good thoughts and desire to respond.
poster:Dinah
thread:1067158
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20140310/msgs/1067331.html