Posted by Dinah on June 23, 2014, at 13:21:21
In reply to Re: I see him Monday » Dinah, posted by 10derheart on June 22, 2014, at 20:16:55
And yes, he called himself to make the appointment.
I suppose it went as well as expected. About as well as it went in any of the many dreams about this day that I've had in the last two months.
We started with a hug, and I told him how very glad I was that he was doing well.
He said that he was not functioning well when he left the voicemail message and sent the email. That he had only had a few minutes to contact his clients, and there were quite a few of them at the time, and the email he sent me was the one he sent all his many clients. He said that he had told referred therapist that he had one client he was particularly worried about, who had seen him for many years and would be very upset. But that he gave no instructions as to telling me what was going on. He said he did the best he could do at that time.
I told him I appreciated referred therapist telling me he wasn't dying, since life threatening was the first thing most people thought when they heard his email. But that I really didn't understand why she had called me, told me she was authorized to tell me more, only to tell me that all the additional information she could share was that she didn't think he was coming back. He said he wasn't sure why she stated it so positively, but that at the time there was a question of whether he'd be returning to the area.
I asked him why she would have made such a point of trying to force me to recognize that he had abandoned me. That if it was her abandoned like that by someone seen as a surrogate mother, she'd want to dig a hole and curl up and die. He looked to the ceiling and sighed before saying she was probably trying to empathize with me. And pointed out that, regardless of the fact that he hadn't intended to, he had actually abandoned me. He assured me, when I asked, that he wouldn't have used the same approach. Ah my dear therapist. He knows I detest the unvarnished truth, and prefer my truths polished, varnished, and beveled to a pleasing shape. Truths can be transmitted without bludgeoning.
He reminded me that I was the only client he had called six weeks later, to explain what was going on. I told him I really appreciated that. That it had let me sleep well again, and stopped my obsessive searching of the internet for news of him. I asked him if he'd have called if I hadn't asked about the fate of my client records, or if he hadn't decided to return to the area. He said absolutely he would have. But then, he would say that wouldn't he? And probably believes it whether or not it's actually true. I suppose I'll believe him more than not.
He said that he'd be working at referred therapist's office from here on out. That it hadn't been good for him to work alone. I pointed out rather dryly that it hadn't been all that good for his clients either.
I did tell him that I didn't think I'd have so totally forgotten my responsibility to someone whose dependency I had not discouraged in many years. I was nice enough not to say "encouraged".
He said that he was doing his best, and that at the time he felt like he had to take care of himself.
It was important to me to let him know what had happened to me when he disappeared. That I hadn't eaten for days or worked at all for weeks, and not well for far longer. That had it happened earlier in therapy I had had a plan to kill myself, so I was glad it didn't. I wanted him to know that I had woken up crying at night until he called six weeks later.
He said that he had hoped I would forgive him, and trust him again so that we could continue therapy. I told him I didn't need to forgive him because I was never really angry with him (or only briefly in place of fear). That I had always known that it was something catastrophic because he had always liked money far too well (or been afraid of lack of it) to casually shut his doors. He didn't even like going on vacations for fear of losing income. I told him I loved him, that I would always love him. That I was so sorry this happened to him, and was so glad he's doing better. But that now I understood my place in his life, I didn't think it was wise of me to trust him again or to become dependent on him again. That I would like to be able to call him when I needed to talk something over with a therapist. That I didn't want any other therapist - that I didn't much like most other therapists and I did like him very much. But that I didn't consider it wise to re-enter regular therapy with him. He told me that he would always squeeze me in if I called either him or the secretary.
He did seem a bit upset, and I *certainly* didn't want to upset him. I apologized for burdening him with him all this, and he said he had understood that this would hurt me most of all his clients. By which I suppose he meant he knew what was coming when he scheduled me. At the end he said he was sorry this happened, and that he was sorry that it happening had hurt me. He must have seen a somewhat cynical look, because he amended that to say he was sorry that his actions, and especially his lack of actions, had hurt me. That he hadn't intended it, but that he understood it had.
Then I asked him who to make the check out to and left a bit early.
I didn't bother to mention the fact that he had allowed his wife to read his emails while he was out.
It went more or less like the many dreams I've had since he called, where I desperately tried to find a way to make everything ok again, and ended up waking with regret and melancholy.
Nothing really to feel envious about.
poster:Dinah
thread:1067158
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20140310/msgs/1067261.html