Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2012, at 4:34:00
In reply to test, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2012, at 4:18:08
and i have these enthusiasms...
let me see...
i think the first was existentialist literature. then plays. theatre of the absurd. sartre. camus. elliot.
and then i got all depressed and stuff...
and then there was the 'what is wrong with me' enthusiasm (which may have been driving the above, actually)
i got interested in figuring out what was wrong. reading psychology stuff... then gradually getting interested in psychodynamic / analytic stuff... and also the whole clinical psychology thing...
and then i found babble. and that enthusiasm took up most of my time for years...
and then i found the gym.
in between i played a lot of computer games.
i also found a therapist.
a therapist who (coincidentally) i miss very much
sometimes.
but not too much.
and then i tried to make my passion my life and i studied sport and exercise.
and i learned i'm not an extrovert i'm an introvert
i learned i don't give a f*ck about popularity and sheeple disgust me
i learned that it is quite nice to be able to read and write
i learned that people need to f*ck off or shut up so that i can read and write
i learned that most of the people in the world...
are really quite different from philosophers
and...
um...
while i love humanity and all...
um...
i learned that i actually don't like very many people very much at all.people who don't understand that some people might be more deserving of x because...
x means so very much more to them. for a bunch of reasons (that they can't understand)
life is more than... scrambling over all the other puppies to be the puppy on top(and yes this kitten's still got claws)
ugh.
i'm still passionate about the gym.
3 for 3
3 hours of writing for 3 hours of training
except writing involves a lot more than that.
the weird thing about writing is that it doesn't even need academia. not for the writing i do. write it. send it off. get it published. that is all there is to it. i don't need labs. i still seem to have journal access. life is good...
it is the only thing that separates me from the puppies.
i'm glad there is something. because... i'm just not one. i'm just not.
i don't know what physio is about. if it is an enthusiasm or if it is a good idea. it is probably a sh*t idea. what do i want? to be a poor student all over again? to be in with the 18 year old first years as one of them all over again? what the f*ck is wrong with me? didn't i learn my lesson already?
maybe it is crazy.
still. either i'll get in or i won't.
the universe will decide.
i miss the uni where i did my phd like nobodies business...
still...
i know the way back
in my heart.
it is where i first found babble
it is where i found my t...
the one who was there for me
(though i couldn't let him close because i can't let anybody)maybe he is still there for me, too.
i don't know.
reminiscing...
already...
god dammit i feel old. so old.
i guess i feel sad that the whole unconditional love thing just didn't work out.
you should have seen me play in the gym... without any other cares in the world... just solely focused on that.
still... elite i am not lolz. and i guess training for them is like writing for me... work is work. really... what did i think it was gonna be?
i feel sad.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1034263
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20120922/msgs/1034264.html