It's a lot easier to say things that make sense like that than to make them stick. I guess at least it's important to be grateful for the things that are so important that you tend to forget.
But sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel really sad, or as the day wears on, I realize I don't want to do things, or go anywhere, and that I'm feeling as if there's no point in it. It's as if I"m not worth the effort. If my SO or my T were here telling me to do it, it would become an imperative-- I should or shouldn't do what I"m told to do-- but when it's just me, it seems as if there's no point in trying-- to do things that I normally do.
I guess the issue is why I can't do things for myself--either I"m destructive, as my T says, and always undermining things, and not wanting to do thing, because I want someone else to have done them for me-- or I don't think I'm worth the trouble-- if I don't have the thing, or don't do something that matters to me, then it's just because I can exist without it, even if not very well.
I'm not sure how to fix this-- and sometimes think I never will be able to-- or want to-- enough. My T thinks I'll never be able to fix it, until I realize what he's saying, and take responsibility for it, and somehow decide that I'll do it for myself. I'm not sure how to believe that-- or do it, but maybe it's just that I don't-- and I do need to. Since I guess you can't change something if it isn't your doing in some way.
Willful
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