Posted by paisleygirl on January 18, 2012, at 20:52:06
In reply to Re: update » paisleygirl, posted by Dinah on January 18, 2012, at 19:03:53
> Well, I don't see any evidence pointing to evil. Not in what you've said.
>
hmmm..> Do you see where your anger with her might have caused you to behave in ways that, according to what she told you, would end in her terminating your therapy? I think it's normal enough, when someone gives an ultimatum, not to want to comply. But when you don't, the result is that you won't have that person in your life.
>
i think it all spun out of control. i really didn't think she would leave me.> Maybe you could think about it this way. She gave you an ultimatum. You deliberately cancelled future appointments with the DBT therapist without first discussing it with your pdoc. You then sent her an unprecedented communication that might be expected to confirm her fears that she's out of her depth, without the additional help of a DBT team. In effect, you arranged for her to leave you. You rejected a pdoc who gave you an ultimatum, and by doing so appeared to put conditions on her caring. You took actions to effectively leave your pdoc.
>
i really felt like i couldn't afford therapy with the dbt therapist. what am i supposed to do? go into major debt for therapy- which i feel like i should be strong enough and not even need?... the other option is to die.. that is more and more become a valid option... i talked with a crisis counselor tonight and basically promised her that i wouldn't do anything tonight, at least not until a follow-up phone call from them tomorrow... so i'm holding steady right now... but i see no solution to my problem. i'm still without a pdoc/therapist.. i'm still all alone.and what makes me upset is i told this pdoc stuff i hadn't told anyone before... i never trusted anyone.. i had seen her for 4 years. and i feel like she got to know me, found out about me, and then was like okay- i don't like her/i'm not dealing with her/she's crazy/ she's horrible/ she's bad. it's really sad when you reveal yourself to someone then get rejected.
> So... What do you do now? ER sounds like a good option to me. You don't currently have a treatment team and you might find one there. You would be making a decision to help yourself find providers you prefer to the ones you had.
>i've been to the er before in the past and the whole experience just seems really embarassing... like checking in - you say your complaint is 'depression', people may give you a funny look, and then they like put a one-to-one near you, so that you don't leave... and then you have to wait and wait and wait for hours... and get blood draws and stuff... and then i feel like they are judging me... and how do you trust the person who is chosen to talk to you when you dont know anything about them.. i feel like they would be making fun of me... i also think they think psych patients are annoying and wish they would go home so that it's less work for them... just my opinions..
> I once heard Marsha Linehan say that her patients were often thought manipulative by others. When the reality is that we all want to have our needs met, and behave in ways that we hope will achieve that end. Her patients just weren't very good at it.
>
> What are your goals at this point? What do you want in the way of a treatment team? What would you like from Babble? What are the best ways to get it?
>
my current goal is getting through a minute at a time... i have a bottle of percocet that i thought about taking, but i have decided i won't do that tonight... i think i'm going to try and take a hot bath... try not to cry... as far as what i want from Babble- i dont know support? i dont want to be seen as the crazy person. i think everyone is saying that i did stuff wrong, which may be true, but doesn't help me to feel better. actually can make me feel worse.. so i made a mistake sending the picture. at the time- even though its probably hard for you all to believe- i didnt' really realize that she would get so upset. i think i'm a bit desensitized to blood and stuff b/c actually i'm a physician in residency... this is another reason i dont want to go to the er.. i hear things when i work in the er, and i know that people get judged. i dont want to be judged. and sort of like being judged by my own people.. its hard. so hard. physicians never really want to ask for help... especially not young ones in training- it's sort of a sign of weakness.> Your pdoc is telling you that there's no way you can feel bad enough for her to take you back as a client. What doors would you like to see open? Can we help you problem solve to achieve your goals? Or at least some of them?
>i really wish i had an appt with someone this week. i dont want to be left for days and days and days by myself. but not sure how that's going to happen. i sort of feel like this is an emergency, but like i said, i dont want to go the er.
> We'd all like to be loved unconditionally. But in reality that may not be a realistic goal.
>
very sad.
> I really do urge you to contact the ER. It seems a sensible course of action for you at this point.hmm... i'm trying really hard not to go there.
poster:paisleygirl
thread:1007661
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20111220/msgs/1007716.html