Posted by violette on October 2, 2011, at 6:14:27
In reply to shutting my T out, posted by pegasus on September 30, 2011, at 9:29:18
What you said here is that you are acting out to avoid discussing how you are feeling. That is not uncommon, but i think that repeatedly cancelling sessions is only hurting yourself. It might be self-destructive behavior realted to how you are feeling inside:
"..due to being in an anxious, self-critical place. When that's going on, I find myself hating anything I can think of to say in therapy, so I don't say much. I feel very vulnerable..."
Maybe you want him to chase you...or maybe you feel you don't deserve his care...maybe you are cancelling to try to punish him in some way-to make him feel how you feel-anxious, self-critical...because it's too hard to put into words or work through these feelings so you are trying to tell him through your actions, not words. This acting out might be a form of communication right now because you find yourself so vulnerable that you are unable to talk about your feelings.
If you have a historical pattern of being self critical, it can sometimes be difficult to hear someone challenge that reality of yourself, so you might be unknowingly fighting to retain the (distorted) reality of your self-worth...which might also tie into unconsciously not deserving his care.
When your mind is conditioned to your reality for so long, when conflicting feelings-thoughts start to try to elminate that reality or break through to consciousness, it can bring immense pain and intense affect. So, you might be trying to defend against that by not talking, not going.
I've had my childish moments too. I hope you can look back on this and laugh about it someday. :)
poster:violette
thread:998348
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110823/msgs/998546.html