Posted by g_g_g_unit on September 24, 2011, at 7:40:48
so I have a pretty long, conflicted history (for anyone who doesn't frequent the med board) - dx'd with OCD at 19, major depression at 23 .. unfortunately, unresponsive to most treatment efforts .. then discover, through personal research, that I have ADD after immigrating with my family - see 3 pdocs before one finally agrees ..
initially, I'm terrified of this guy - he's an authoritative, older male in his 60s. I feel like I'm in military camp or something, and am literally quivering while I relate my symptoms to him. he then agrees with my hunch, prescribes dexamphetamine and I'm suddenly overwhelmed by a 'love' for him which remains relatively uncomplicated for the first few weeks of treatment.
unfortunately, I have a bad response to the dex - it causes a resurgence of my OCD - and we try some other stuff to treat the depression/anxiety without much success so far. he also recommends I enter psychotherapy with him after describing my situation at home, conflict with my parents etc.
so far, it's been 5-6 weeks of psychotherapy and I'm just growing increasingly angry and resentful with him. it began, I think, after I was describing problems with anhedonia/amotivation on Lexapro. he put a spin on it (asking why I can't act as my own "agent") that made me feel like I was being unfairly burdened. since then I've just been stuck in limbo - not responding well to Lexapro - and wanting to discuss medication, but then getting side-tracked with psychotherapy stuff and feeling like my will is being thwarted by his.
I feel trapped, and will always leave completely frustrated and desperately waiting for the next appt. so I can try and 'fix' our relationship but never completely having the courage to voice my complaints because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I am also very hung up on wanting to actually improve my *acute* functioning through meds, because my quality-of-life is so dismal right now.last session I described rage towards myself and family and he read my mind because he asked "can you describe the anger you feel towards me?", even though I've been nothing but polite and emotionally contained in our meetings together. I voiced some complaints - mostly fantasies about how I feel like he likes his other patients better than me, wants to abandon me, etc.
he stays pretty unflappable and objective, which I like, but I just can't deal with this mounting frustration. I keep thinking if I try to talk more about meds, he'll peg me as compulsive and cut me off (which has happened before with another doctor) or suggest I just learn to cope with my symptoms through therapy. ughh, I know a lot of this is irrational, but I'm having a hard time separating my projections (particularly in dealing with other docs) from the reality of him. he ended our last session by saying that I can't just live at the behest of others (including him), so maybe he'll be open to negotiation, but I feel like unless I get what I want (meds), I don't wanna indulge him by baring myself. I donno if that's childish .. I hate this .. I kinda feel more enmeshed and distressed than before meeting him because I respect (and fear) him too much to pull my usual disappearing act when things go awry with pdocs.
poster:g_g_g_unit
thread:997738
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110823/msgs/997738.html