Posted by Daisym on August 20, 2011, at 13:19:28
In reply to Re: aging issues in and out of therapy, posted by annierose on August 19, 2011, at 22:22:01
For me, how I look is the hardest therapy topic. I am also nearing 50, overweight and have never felt attractive. Since I am single, the way I look contributes to my conviction that I will always be alone and no one wants me. Of course, there are lots of old feelings in here - how often did I feel rejected because of the way I look?
My therapist is really, really careful when we talk about these things. He uses the words I use - and he doesn't give comment on the physical things I complain about. He knows I feel truly exposed - after all who wants to point out their flaws to anyone, especially someone they care about?
One of the nicest exchanges we've had was around, "I'm not loveable because I'm fat and ugly" and he got so upset with me that he listed "all the things I love about you." He wanted me to see it wasn't hopeless. And then he apologized for lecturing me - but he said he felt so sad when I said all that that he just really *needed* to make me see it wasn't true - that I wasn't unloveable. And me being me said, "so you are agreeing that I might be fat and ugly but that doesn't make me unloveable." He threw a pillow at me.
I do know how to dress - I call it putting on a costume. And I was always so smart that I was that "young up-and-comer" who always startled people with how much I knew at such a young age. Now - they expect it. I'm not this amazing young smart woman. So it is a weird issue in my work life.
We've talked about these things in therapy more this past year than ever before. It has led me to think about why I need to be "perfect" and what I'm afraid people will see/think if I'm not the best at everything. But these are hard conversations and we do have to admit that how we look is important to us - if indeed it is. The truth is, it is to most people - who doesn't want to feel beautiful? I think talking about it might help you normalize all your feelings.
poster:Daisym
thread:994306
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110706/msgs/994401.html