Posted by Dinah on March 18, 2011, at 14:02:33
In reply to Re: omg, posted by Daisym on March 18, 2011, at 13:50:03
I really don't feel bad about anything I said. I've been telling him for weeks that his falling asleep is upsetting to me, that I feel hurt that I can't keep his attention. I've told him I feel closer to him outside session than I feel inside session.
Today he just quit lying about why. And admitted he doesn't feel engaged, hasn't felt engaged for some time, and doesn't know why I'm there or what I want from him. He did add that he didn't want to terminate me, that he'd like to assess where therapy is and what remains to be done. That he'd like to come up with some way therapy can be helpful to me. Of course, that way is for him to be awake and engaged, and I'm at a loss as to what I could do to arrange that. I've tried and tried. I even hoped going down to once a week would help him from being as bored and disengaged, but it actually made things even worse.
I don't think he understands why I see this as rejection. Even though I specifically said to him in session "When you say that you aren't sure what I'm getting from therapy or that you don't know how to help me, what I'm hearing is that you think I should have left therapy some time ago. That I've stayed at the party too long."
At which point he reiterated what he said precisely and added the part about how he maybe should have terminated me before this. Which he meant as a way of reassuring me that it wasn't my fault for not quitting earlier!!!!
I did leave him a couple of messages on his machine. His response was to say he shouldn't have used the word "terminate" but should have said "end" instead. As if that would help or be less abandoning or rejecting...
Oh, and he also said he thought I should come in and we should discuss how to make therapy more relevant to me and so that he would feel able to feel engaged.
I called back and left a message to the effect that therapy would be helpful to me when and if he was engaged. So that if he figured out a way for him to feel engaged, he could call me and let me know. That I'd already done all I could do to engage him, that we'd already discussed it for many sessions recently, and that it was really up to him at this point.
I was wrong about wanting him to be honest. That he isn't feeling engaged, hasn't felt engaged for some time, and isn't sure what I'm there for or what I'm getting from therapy, is so hurtful I can't even begin to express it.
poster:Dinah
thread:980656
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/980677.html