Posted by Solstice on November 12, 2010, at 12:10:49
In reply to Re: Dependence versus attachment » Solstice, posted by pegasus on November 12, 2010, at 11:02:16
> Thanks for trying to explain, Solstice. I'm still confused, but that's probably more about me than about what you wrote.
or... maybe it's because my explanation just did't hit the mark :-)
> It all seems so subjective, what's a problem, and what's healthy and necessary. The cure for over dependence sounds a lot like fostering a secure attachment.It IS very subjective. We can talk about and share our own experiences and impressions of our attachment/dependence processes, and we all benefit from understanding things through the eyes of others. But anybody who is worried about attachment/dependence issues with their therapist really needs to bring it up in therapy.
> I watch my daughter being so attached to me, and I have tried hard to help her feel secure in her attachment. I've read a lot about attachment, and practiced attachment parenting. And yet, there are certainly times when she seems very clingy - more so than other kids her age.You are her source.. her 'base.' You said "at times".. sounds like it ebbs and flows. You don't say her age, but she is growing and learning constantly - her experiences with life are always expanding. When she's uncertain - you are who she's going to cling to. And you don't know about the clinginess of the other kids. They probably get clinger than she is at times too - just you're not there to see it.
> I wonder if maybe I was like that as a kid. Maybe I just have a genetic tendency toward overdependence.I think I wish you didn't worry yourself so much about childhood dependence or therapeutic dependence and whether it's 'over' (or bad) dependence. You have enough worry, that I'd wager that when you don't need to be dependent to heal - you won't be. I also wonder if in having a heightened worry about it, maybe it unknowingly leaks out - and to your daughter it might feel like she needs to worry whether you'll 'be' there when she needs her base... which might make her react with clingy behavior. One of the really therapeutic things my therapist did when I 'tested' our relationship's reliability, is T would say things like "Solstice.. I'm not going anywhere. I will be here when you need me, for as long as you need me." It didn't occur to me to ask "Will you be there for me?" But in my behaviors, my 'testing,' and the other random frettings I would have, it's like suddenly and unexpectedly hearing my therapist make a declaration of commitment was just exactly what I needed. I was allowed to depend as much as I could tolerate - it was never turned away. Eventually, I incorporated and carried an 'image' of my ever-present therapist with me in my mind and heart. That led to the feeling of security. It's like having a candy jar available all the time. When it's first put out you might go overboard, but after a while, you know it's there and you don't 'need' to run to it so much. You're satisfied.
> Also, while my daughter is dependent/attached to me, I'm dependent/attached to her as well. It's a different from me to her than it is from her to me, but it is mutual in some sense. I can't imagine how devastated I'd be if I lost her somehow.You're not talking about dependence here. You're talking about the mysteries of mother-love... that deep, inexplicable bond that can take place between mother and child. I've experienced it with mine. It's intoxicating - invigorating. At it's best - it is designed to ensure we take care of those litte things, look out for their best interests, protect them, and ensure they can survive on their own eventually. On her part, it's designed to ensure her survival. Enjoy every single second of it! It is healthy and beautiful - it is one of the most exquisite things life can offer. There is not anything about what you're describing that is even on the same planet as 'over' dependence on a therapist.
>I'm filled with joy whenever I pick her up from school, and I think of her during the day when we're apart. There are two things that are different about this than the preoccupation I had with my ex-T, which gets labeled as overdependence. 1) This interdependence with my daughter feels good and healthy, while the dependence on my T always felt somehow wrong or too much (to me - he didn't seem to mind it), and 2) the thing with my ex-T was one sided. Perhaps 2) leads to 1).Was your dependence on your T trulty 'over' dependence? I'd question the validity of 'over' applying in this case. Or is it simply the dependency necessary to make the journey to healthy attachment.. which can feel pretty uncomfortable (wrong or too much) because it requires us to be vulnerable in our need for attachment to them.
> Sorry to be trying to take this thread off on a rabbit trail about me and my issues. Maybe I should have started a separate thread.Well.. it's all about attachment and dependence..
poster:Solstice
thread:969714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/969948.html