Posted by Solstice on November 11, 2010, at 22:07:54
In reply to Dependence versus attachment, posted by pegasus on November 11, 2010, at 11:54:17
Hey Peg..
> Solstice wrote: "You're talking about two things there. Attachment - even strong attachment - is a good thing. It's over-dependence that can create the problems you described. A good therapist will know how to manage signs of over-dependence. Some dependence is usually necessary."
>
> This is intriguing to me. When I felt uncomfortably dependent on my past T, I eventually came to understand the strength of that as being due to attachment, which is a biological imperative. So, that helped me to understand the really intense energy around that relationship. But here you are suggesting (and Daisy mentioned it earlier in another thread) that attachment does not equal dependence.I think they are different. Sometimes they accompany each other, sometimes they don't. Very simplistically, think of it this way: I was very, very attached to my babies. But I didn't rely on them for anything. I am dependent on my postman to keep me out of trouble with my bills - to pass bills to me and my payments to them. But I'm not at all attached to the postman.
> So, what do you understand is the difference, exactly? Is the dependency a symptom of insecure attachment (ambivalent/preoccupied type, I guess).It could be insecure attachment, or other things too. Dependence isn't bad - it's just that over-dependence can lead to a total preoccupation with the therapist to the point that it interferes with functioning. It can stop therapeutic progress. What's tricky is that dependence is part of the attachment process. Our therapists aren't supposed to depend on us for their relationship needs - but we are depending on them to provide us with healthy relationship experiences. I think the processes involved are different for every client. Folks with Borderline features may struggle more than others with over-dependence. The difference between healthy vs over-dependence,in my mind, is when the obsession, preoccupation, longing, is so intrusive and unrelenting that it interferes with functioning and therapeutic progress grinds to a halt. That said, I think all of us with attachment issues in therapy are going to struggle with the feelings involved. It's going to be uncomfortable.. REAL uncomfortable... even painful. Whether it's because we have an unfulfilled fantasy that our 'perfect' therapist will become our lifelong mate/friend, or because we are are fighting tooth and nail to avoid the 'danger' of feeling attached to our therapist. Either way, we have to work through it, and in working through it we will have phases where we FEEL threatened by the strong feelings of attachment. Maybe because (like for me) even moderate levels of attachment feelings are so unfamiliar that they feel very intense... or maybe because we've had such a paucity of attachment experiences that once we get a taste, we want to gorge ourselves on it :-) Regardless, a good therapist should be able to be attuned to what's going on and figure out how to help us move through it. Anyone worried that their attachment or dependence is over-the-top should just bring it up in therapy and get feedback. I asked mine a lot of questions about this attachment thing T kept talking about that sounded so weird and icky to me. From what I hear you describing, my sense is that like most of us, you seem to experience strong attachment/dependence feelings of the sort that is part of the therapeutic process of finding the balance.
> If one is overdependent, how can that be resolved?I think overdependence is a feeling-state that drives excessively clingy-type behaviors. Maybe it helps to put it all out on the table in therapy so that it's not aggravated by shame. Good boundaries help. I think it might also help to talk to ourselves about the role of our therapist in our lives: "T is not my 'friend'.. will not be my boyfriend... this is a temporary relationship that I'm paying for, for a period of time...." things like that. I think it's especially helpful if we have other people as part of our support system - the legs on the stool Dinah talks about. That way we have other people to share our emotional life with (joys and pains), and our therapist is reserved for the more serious stuff - kinda spreads it around so all the eggs aren't in one basket. The truest resolution, of course, is when we have become healthy enough to not need to feel a desperate dependence on our therapist.
> This seems to me to be the BIG ISSUE around termination, at least in my own mind.I really like the way my therapist described it... knowing that I'm getting better when I call to cancel appointments because I don't have time for therapy :-) Like Dinah's, my therapist doesn't 'do' long-term therapy. Despite that, I don't have to 'go' until I'm ready. I can't imagine anything more ideal than that.
Solstice
poster:Solstice
thread:969714
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/969885.html