Posted by wittgensteinz on October 26, 2010, at 10:44:28
In reply to Re: Perfectionism » wittgensteinz, posted by twinleaf on October 25, 2010, at 16:24:03
I think my main problem is that I place too much importance in my academic ability - it is too central to my sense of self and too important in propping up my shaky self-esteem.
I've always performed very well academically while felt grossly inadequate socially. Growing up, study was my escape and my sanctuary - it was the one thing I had some control over. Finished school with the highest grades, got into a top university (top 10 in the world), and then it went wrong - a severe depression set in and I dropped out, which at the time felt like the end of the world. Now I'm studying again (albeit not at quite as elite a university)... 4.0 GPA, highest average of any student on the program by some margin despite being the only one who is not studying in their native language. Still, it never feels "good enough".
So the last 2 and a half weeks I've been busy with an interminable assignment. I became so absorbed in this paper that nothing else mattered - I realised yesterday that I'd lost 5 pounds, presumably from forgetting to eat. Now it's finished and I feel utterly exhausted.
I think this is the topic which has undergone the least transformation during the therapy, and it makes me feel a bit desperate. Being able to stand back and have a balanced perspective of ones strengths and weaknesses sounds to me like the ideal. Good for you that you have accomplished that.
I'm sorry for this self-absorbed post - I just need to get it out. I don't know what I'll do if I should fail again - I realise I set too high standards yet I can't seem to stop myself.
Witti
poster:wittgensteinz
thread:966942
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101023/msgs/967028.html