Posted by g_g_g_unit on September 6, 2010, at 2:59:37
hey . . .
how are you? i just wanted to ask your advice on some stuff that's been going on with my therapist (sorry for the length), and also advance an apology about being so dismissive at first about the possibility of PD's being implicated in my case . . the first few sessions i've spent with her, and the time devoted to reflecting in between, have really begun to break through my dissociative cloud and a lot of really painful stuff that i'd been protecting myself from has started flooding back over the past couple of days.
i don't completely agree that psychoanalysis will help my OCD, and neither does my therapist - though luckily she's trained in both analysis and CBT/ERPR.
the problem is that i've been really pushing for her to recognize the obvious ADD traits i've shown all my life. she issued the standard questionnaire, though i failed to meet the criteria for ADHD by 1 point! (in retrospect, i overestimated my ability to remember appointment dates/times, which would've pushed me over the edge). she said she's still open to the possibility of my having it, and could refer me for a stimulant trial in the future . .
now the problem is that i've been reading up a lot on the PD's and the ones that make sense are Covert Narcissism (she's already diagnosed me with this), Histrionic, and also Schizoid/Avoidant . .
the Schizoid thing in particular is really distressing me, and i'm still torn between whether i'm more avoidant or SPD. sorry if this is a little disorganized, i'll just throw some stuff at ya ..
- i show a long history of being highly (rejection) sensitive, having difficulty with emotional confrontation, trying to suppress my emotions in an effort to avoid being hurt, etc. but i don't believe i have an innate desire to avoid people's company . . a lot of these traits emerged after i was deliberately (or perceived myself to be) betrayed and hurt by people.
-i'm sometimes oblivious to how my actions affect others, but once i find out how they do, i will feel guilt and distress and attempt to correct my behaviour.
-i have had friends who i would call close, but more insofar as i felt comfortable/safe in their company, and less based on deep emotional intimacy (though i don't know how to measure the depth of my sharing .. i am not averse to expressing pain for example). i become really possessive and jealous when very close friends enter romantic relationships.
-i really can't do without the company of others (and sometimes experience intense fears of abandonment), and can relate to the idea of fearing being alone, yet being uncomfortable around others. as a teenager, i would hate being home by myself and would often go read in cafes just to be around others. i longed to be accepted by others and belong and would tell myself i don't need people in defense, though all that anger disappeared once i made my first non-judgemental friends.
now the problem is that i've been complaining a lot about my cognitive problems, and in typical histrionic fashion, will tend to exaggerate or stereotype things in order to ensure i'm heard. most people see through this, but this psychologist has taken things a little out of context and has begun to become very concerned about psychosis/schizotypy and repeatedly been asking me about whether i experience hallucinations etc. she even turned on me last session and just started reality testing me out of nowhere which i found highly distressing, and which has compromised my trust for her.
as far as i'm concerned, a lot of what i've described to her can be accounted for by severe depression and possibly ADD. i guess my fear is that if i bring up the schizoid traits too early she might completely dismiss the ADD idea, which would suck, because i've been working so hard to get someone to recognize its presence. i would hate to get trapped in psychotherapy at the expense of being able to improve my day-to-day functioning (the loss of which is doing the most damage to ego).
what do you think i should do? is it possible that ADD could co-exist with schizoid traits and that i am not committing a disservice by temporarily withholding information from her in order to have the ADD attended to? or is it possible that the schizoid traits have been causing ADD symptoms (which just doesn't feel likely to me)? or even that the social meekness inherent to ADD could cause the schizoid-like issueS?
thanks!! and sorry for such a long post ..
poster:g_g_g_unit
thread:961450
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100831/msgs/961450.html