Posted by deerock on July 1, 2010, at 11:14:11
In reply to Re: blow out session with my T yesterday » deerock, posted by violette on July 1, 2010, at 11:01:39
thanks violette. sorry you were objectified. i dont know if i ever felt that way. well, wait. my parents raised me that way. thats why i treat others this way. so i know its an aweful feeling. i bet the reason i do it to her is to guard myself from feeling it.
anyways, i think she is willing to keep at it because she knows that i can change this. i had given up on the CBT therapists. i didnt find them to be offering something that i need right now. thats why i went back to my T.
im not sure how much is her trying to change the behavior by being defensive. this is complicated because she tries to be neutral. often. and when i get a reaction out of her, it seems very contained. when i feel something it shows. not so much with her. so when she gets defensive, it gets me riled up because i think she is trying to hide it. i feel like i am affecting her. a lot. i can see her getting uncomfortable when i say stuff to her that is provocative. but i continue to do it because somehow it feels like a game. almost like she is trying to hide that im affecting her and later she will say you impact me i hope you know that.
i wish in the moment, she would say that thing you said right there, that's devaluing etc. etc.
either way, if i work on it with her or with someone else, i know there are ways in which i affect people that is hurtful that i am not aware of in the moment. its not my intention to harm people. somehow it turns into a game. a game of do i matter to this person and am i being seen by this person. when i do something to the T and she tries to hide her defensiveness, i think it makes me feel like im not being seen and my attacks get louder until i know im being seen and then i stop.
i dont know really why this is a game to me. it makes me feel pretty disturbed.
on another hand life will be pretty lonely if i dont find a way to stop doing this.
i totally get though, how your ex turned on you. i mean, i get it in the sense that once the novelty and needs being met wears away, its time to get real and time to go through some challenges...why would someone want to do that? they would rather devalue, cut town, get a rush and bolt.
its no recipe for happiness and hurts people quite badly but i can completely see why someoen would operate this way. hell ive done it to every woman ive ever dated.
its amazing that most of my exes are still my friends. i think its because they know i do it for reasons other than the fact that i really dont like them. i hope that makes some sense. have a good one. thanks for sharing your thoughts. it was helpful to me. and even if it wasnt, id hope that id be nice and not devalue you. youre valuable. you deserve to be loved.
poster:deerock
thread:952780
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100529/msgs/952796.html