Posted by violette on June 28, 2010, at 11:24:53
In reply to Re: Therapy Bliss » violette, posted by Dinah on June 28, 2010, at 9:19:45
Dinah-
You are such a gem :) Thanks for writing to me. Therapy bliss changed to therapy horror. lol The contentness did not last as long this time as I had hoped...
It all comes from fear. The whole situation really activated my attachment system and I have been acting out with anxiety/OCD. When I stopped intellectualizing to avoid the fear last night, it got to the point where the ceiling fan (it has 4 blades) over my bed became a monster-waiting until I fell asleep to 'get me'. I thought of covering it with a blanket but then had thoughts of it hiding to get me, which was worse. Then I thought I'd move the blades, but then it would have been the shape of a cross-and thinking of those with psychotic reactions and religion..well you get the point. Oh dear...but it passed.
However, it will serve very useful in working through, like every time I get intense feelings. It's amazing how it all works, as painful and scary as it can be sometimes....But after every bit of pain, I feel a bit of relief of inner tension that seems to have been in my body for most of my life...I just wish I could be in session more than once a week because it takes so long this way, and with this intensity, twice weekly seems to make more sense-but it is not possible right now.
It is so nice to hear you have felt the inner peace too. Isn't it incredible?
I just wish I would quit acting out the anxiety/fears....I can't concentrate to read a book and spent a lot of time painting and working around my house this weekend-I got a lot done, but am repeatedly distracted and cling to intellectualizing to escape anxiety. I just can't stick with tasks. I've had anxiety much of my life, but it has changed from mere intellectualizing to doing it obsessively...I act it out when I write here, for one. I have a lot of outside/life stressors right now, so I have just decided to accept this behavior for now and when those non-emotional issues, but stress enhancers, are eliminated, it will be easier. I decided to not feel guilty about the acting out; instead, yesterday I just decided to allow myself to continue, for now, but it is frustrating either way.
Despite the fears, I feel like every since our attachment intensified, when the love feelings grew, I have not had negative thoughts about myself..(aside from the fear of having a breakdown which reflects anxiety/fears rather than core self issues). It's really having a positive impact on my longstanding, but previously hidden (though not completely from my awareness) negative self-worth issues that were reinforced both overtly and covertly by my parents over and over since I was just a small child. Do you find this to be true for you too, the positive self worth transfering from T to you?
Sometimes I start to think I'm not internalizing Ts love and that instead, its dependency issues. I haven't talked in depth with him yet about the feelings, but this is the first thing I'm going to bring up to him next session. I don't know if we'll figure it out from just one session, but I'm hoping it happens that way.So nice to hear from someone who can relate to the inner peace and beauty...but also, unfortunately the fears :(
poster:violette
thread:952225
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100529/msgs/952514.html