Posted by sadlittlegirl on May 3, 2010, at 19:23:14
A lot has gone on for me since the beginning of 2010. First, I had a situation at my grad school internship (was working on a master of social work degree) and was asked by the school to take a year off. Next, I tried to find entry-level work in the mental health field, and nobody will hire me. My therapist says I shouldn't take it personally, that the economy and my having finished 3/4 of my MSW degree are probably what's making it difficult for me to get hired. I decided to start a family since I'm taking the year off of school. At the end of February, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. During the 9th week, I was diagnosed with blighted ovum... it's a form of miscarriage where the fertilized egg attaches to the wall of the uterus, but an embryo never forms. I had a D&C the first week of April rather than prolong my agony by waiting for my body to purge it on its own.
The first week or 2, I was okay with it, maybe just a little angrier than usual. Now I'm putting on a good face when I'm around other people, but left alone with my thoughts, I cry a lot, feel hopeless, have no motivation, go back and forth between feeling very sad or very angry, and have thoughts of suicide. Last time I had a deep depression I made a promise not to harm myself, and I value her trust too much to break that promise, so I won't act on the suicidal ideation. My therapist and occasionally my husband are the only ones I reveal my emotions too. Good thing my therapist is patient with me, I've taken out a lot of my frustration on her through angry voice mails and text messages. I'm usually crying when I see her at my weekly appt on Mondays, and I start feeling insecure about the relationship with her in between sessions.
During my session with her this afternoon, she said she is worried about me. She told me that if I continue on my current path, she's concerned that I'll end up in the hospital. Tomorrow when I see my psych I'll share her and my concern with him and ask how my meds should be adjusted like she suggested. I noticed that she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue a few times during the session; almost like she was trying not to cry herself as I sat in her office in tears. She's usually pretty good at keeping her emotions in check, not that she's robotic or anything, but she keeps pretty strong. The tears that she seemed to be holding back just reinforce that she really is worried about me. It means so much to me to know that she cares that much about my well being; at the same time, I feel bad that I've gotten to a point that has her so worried.
I left her a voice mail shortly after our session telling her I moved the psych appt up to tomorrow and that I'll ask how he can adjust my meds. I also said I'll give a week to see if I feel any better, and then decide if I need to go to the hospital. I explained that I'd prefer to stay out of the hospital this weekend because Sat is the annual remembrance ceremony the grieving parents support group I joined hosts and Sun my husband and I are meeting with my parents and sisters for Mother's Day dinner. I know she'd say both are good for me from a clinical perspective.
I guess now I just wait and see what the psych says tomorrow and how I do for the next week. If I'm still like this in a week I'll probably go to the hospital. I've felt so needy during this that I part of my angry messages to my therapist are about how she should see me twice a week. Her private practice days are Mon and Wed cause she has another job. Since the start of the year I've seen her for my standing appt on Mon, and she sees me on Wed if she has a cancellation. The past 2 weeks nothing opened up on Wed, so I spend the day feeling more insecure about our relationship and sit at home crying and feeling sorry for myself. Maybe the level of care at the hospital would be good for me right now when I'm feeling so needy. But like I told her in my voice mail, I want to keep these 2 commitments over the weekend before I make a decision about committing myself.
poster:sadlittlegirl
thread:946149
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100425/msgs/946149.html