Posted by Helana on December 23, 2009, at 11:48:40
My T has been encouraging me to ask for what I need. I have a hard time doing that...problems with self worth. I tell her I'm afraid of the rejection. I don't know how to cope with the feelings. I used to be a cutter and I struggle with disordered eating, but have never been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder. I also struggle with suicidal ideation...my therapist knows, we've made a contract...though I told her I'm doing it for her because in the end a contract won't keep me from committing suicide.
Anyway, not far into therapy she gave me her personal number and told me things will probably come up and i'll need to talk and that i can call her when ever i need to. It was always very hard for me to make the decision to call so I might have called her a handful of times in the course of two years...but I never could spit out how i felt over the phone so I just ended up talking casually and saying hi. She eventually stopped answering my calls and then stopped calling me back altogether. I didn't mind because I knew it wasn't her job to socialize...she was there for me if I needed to talk...and I wouldn't talk about issues.
But then I went through something and I really needed her and I called her and told her that. That I really needed to talk to her. That I'd actually talk but I really needed her. She never answered never called back. I called her again a couple days later cuz it was not going away and it was getting worse. I really really needed to talk I said and she still never called back. I came in that next session and told her I was hurt and angry and that I needed her and didn't understand why she didn't answer. She didn't talk about it just kept asking me questions. So I left it alone because I didn't feel like it was getting anywhere. It kept eating at me though so I brought it up again and said why have you been so distant why have things changed? She said because people change. We've changed. Do you think you've changed? Of course I do. Of course people change. I'm asking why. No answer.
Today...I was having a really hard time. I txted her and told her I was too scared to call because of her probably not calling back, but that I really needed to talk to her. I texted her how I felt. Then said I felt better but that I am telling myself that so I don't get too hurt when she doesn't call me.
Basically, I don't understand what has changed. Why she can't call me back and talk to me when I need her. Really need her. Not want to socialize but want to live and not die or harm myself, and am afraid one of these days I may break.
Still no phonecall...
Any insight would be appreciated :)
poster:Helana
thread:930517
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091212/msgs/930517.html