Posted by MKS on October 26, 2009, at 15:17:29
Hello all, I've posted here before under another name, TF if anyone remembers or looks up my previous topics, which admittedly are somewhat embarrassing. But that's how I deal with things. I don't believe in filtering phrases out to make something sound nicer than it is, and I'm earnestly trying to get help. Nevertheless, the previous issues don't seem to have much bearing on what I'm writing here.
My adult life has been an ongoing lapse in responsibility and trust, both to myself and others. I act like such a spoiled, ignorant child sometimes. Right now I'm out of honest work, living a parasitic lifestyle on the back of society and my family. From saying that you can probably make out that I'm judgmental as well. Well, you know, much as my inertia would seem to contradict, I don't like where I am.
If I don't like where I am, then some might say it'd be easy enough to pull out. It's difficult. Inertia has just completely overtaken me. Sometimes, something bothers me strongly enough to break the inertia. Light a fire under me and I'll want to move. My tendency is to use that movement to get away from whatever is bothering me. For a big man that some people find scary, I'm very timid.
I can recognize now, that it's probably healthier to expose myself to those situations that make me uncomfortable. I don't ask others to shield me, so why should I bother doing it for myself? Living the life of a hermit isn't sustainable. Relationships are everything in the world, and I have virtually none outside of my family.
I have a team working with me, more or less. I see two counselors regularly, and the doctor every two or three months. One is dedicated to vocational counseling, the other is my case worker, whose job is to get me out and about, something that I think should ideally be left to me. I'm not really interested in going to a therapist. The last few have been disappointing. I have serious trust issues with most of the T's I've seen. I either think they're disgusted with me, or else are laughing at me. Sometimes both. Also, I'm not sure if I'm wrong to distrust. I'm pretty sure I haven't met a therapist that I would trust with the least significant, embarrassing detail of my life, although I've been desensitized enough to share at least one, which even seems to be used against me at times. So that's really out unless I can find a way to trust people.
I have a way of making colossal assumptions about things I witness, things that I read. You can imagine how easy it was for me to get pulled in by various conspiracy theories and such. It's not easy for people to take advantage of this, and many have tried, some with more or less success. I'm usually good at preventing this sort of thing IRL by just shutting people out, but that's not a realistic solution for everyday life.
I guess I just need to let people hurt me, put myself out there. If it happens, I can always pass on whatever I think about that person to people who come to like me. Which is difficult to find these days. My family I trust will be there for me for a while, but I need validation from people outside my family and those who are basically paid to care for me.
I thought I might get involved in some sort of volunteer project, to get myself out there doing something I can enjoy. I thought about joining a cat shelter or something, since I'm very good at handling critters, good instincts when it comes to that.
I guess making yourself accessible to cats isn't too different from doing it with people. You have to give a real smile, which releases endorphins, makes you happy and hopefully convinces the cat (or person) that you're not a creep. Then use the right tone of voice (and the right choice of words if it's a person), and touch on things that interest them. In the case of cats, that's to be taken literally, touch them, pet them, feed them, et cetera. With humans, talk about things that interest them. With women, talk about their clothes, with men, their gadgets and cars.
See, I understand what I have to do to make myself accessible. It's just difficult to put myself out there when I'm constantly insecure and afraid I'm going to get hurt. But I guess that is the kind of thinking which brings about a self-fulfilling prophecy.
poster:MKS
thread:922641
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091022/msgs/922641.html