Posted by Kenneth on October 10, 2009, at 5:53:30
For about 7 months, I have been feeling blue most of the time. I am usually a very energetic person, and I didn't quite understand why this had changed at first.
I am a Voice Performance/Opera student at one of the best programs in the country, and I have been having a love/hate relationship with studying music since returning from Spring Break in March. I went on a trip to London with my best friend, and we had a great time. While traveling home, I remember walking through the Chicago airport waiting for a connecting flight and feeling extremely blue all of a sudden. I had a great time in London, so I suspected that these feelings were just the normal "back to reality" post-vacation blues.
Upon my return to school, however, I started looking at study abroad programs in London for the following academic year. I don't know what triggered this, but I started filling out applications, spent money on them, and then my mood would change and I'd decide to stay put without even sending an audition DVD. I remember spending an entire voice lesson crying to my teacher about my sadness with being back at school. Luckily, he was extremely comforting but could not offer me any answers, naturally.
I met someone in the middle of the following month and we started dating. I felt strongly about the relationship at first, and then it was summer break. I flew to Chicago to visit him, and I found myself feeling very blue the entire week. Two weeks later, I went back to school for the rest of the summer to take a course and play a lead role in the summer opera. My grades in the course were not good, and in the middle of the summer, I started freaking out about whether or not I wanted to stay at my school or go abroad, etc. I saw a counselor for the first time in my life, but he identified my problems as a "phase of life" issue and the method of treatment was that I needed to make a decision. My experience in the opera was positive, and the performances went well. That was the happiest I'd been in a long time, so I decided to stay put for this school year.
Two weeks ago, the stress from taking a number of courses as well as rehearsing for two productions at once gave me constant anxiety. I had noticed since the Spring semester that I had lost motivation and become increasingly lazy with regard to personal practice and preparation. I started crying hysterically one morning as soon as I woke up and went for an emergency walk-in appointment to see a counselor at the health center. She talked me through some of my issues and basically assured me that I was doing everything right and that I just had a lot on my plate and blamed my lack of motivation and preparedness on my busy, demanding schedule.
Since then, I have finished one production, reducing my rehearsals significantly. I figured that I would be easily motivated and prepared for classes as a result. This past Monday, I woke up in tears because I had relaxed all weekend and hadn't prepared any of my materials for classes. I had just felt so completely disinterested with music and singing all weekend and didn't want to have any part of it. I saw another therapist for an emergency walk-in session, and she encouraged me to come home and talk with my parents and really figure out my situation, so I flew home on Wednesday to try and come up with a solution.
I have never loved going to school in Indiana. I wouldn't say that I HATE it, but I am originally from the New York area, and it is a drastic change. The opera department at my school offers large scale productions, and I have been very successful there, however, I am wondering if my depression might make me counterproductive in my current major. My doctor here prescribed me Lexapro yesterday, and I have started taking it.
I have also started filling out transfer applications for other schools with strong liberal arts programs, but in large cities on the east coast where I could also continue studying voice privately. In my conservatory, it is MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC all the time, which I'm sure would help turn me into a great musician, but I am beginning to feel that this style of training is not for me. I still believe that I will continue to grow as an opera singer, but I might not be most sane in this type of educational environment. I am in a very difficult place in life right now. I don't want to feel as if I am giving up on singing. I have just become very disinterested in studying classical music at my university, and I am wondering if anybody thinks my antidepression medication might help fix that, or if that is my heart speaking to me.
Thank you so much for reading this post.
-Kenneth
poster:Kenneth
thread:920362
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/920362.html