Posted by Dinah on July 17, 2009, at 12:44:55
My assignment got put aside for now, because we've been discussing attachment and loss. And how very bad I am at both. I seldom attach, but when I do I stick like a limpet. Any attempts to dislodge me result in my totally melting down, and behaving in ways that I describe as crazy. My therapist doesn't like that word.
I think the answer is for me to care less. He totally opposes that, but his solutions sound an awful lot to me like caring less. He says that people who have a lot of attachments are less likely to be unhinged when one is threatened. (I'm paraphrasing.) But isn't that because none of them are as important? Because they care less? Besides, I don't attach easily, and pretending to attach to more people isn't going to work. I have to actually do it.
He talks about attachment in ways that I just don't understand. He talks about people moving on without caring about those they leave any less. I don't understand that.
I told him that he's a Newfie, a sporting breed. I'm a sheepdog. I don't attach easily or often, but once I do, I'm attached. I don't move on. I don't take loss easily. It doesn't matter if other people are kind or friendly or maybe even nicer than the person or thing I'm attached to. I pine away. Or dig my way out until my poor paws are bloody to find my way home. I gnaw my skin to hot spots and beyond. I don't change. I don't move on.
He thinks it's a fear of rejection. Ok, there may be truth in that. But I also get frantic if *I* do the leaving. I was more hysterical when we decided to move than I was when he terminated me. That wasn't his rejecting me. That was me rejecting him. I still couldn't do it, I still couldn't handle it.
He delves into my early experiences and wants me to think of why I am the way I am. I can't think of any particular reason. I think sheepdogs are born not made. I'd like to attach easily and handle the ending of relationships well. I don't. I don't think I ever will.
I think the right thoughts. I take the right meds. But when it comes right down to it, I'm a sheepdog. I'll chew my leg off before I'll be separated from those I've attached to.
I'm going to have a miserable remainder of my life.
poster:Dinah
thread:907223
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090706/msgs/907223.html