Posted by workinprogress on May 13, 2009, at 0:17:49
In reply to Re: Can I just skip the next phase? A Ramble. » workinprogress, posted by FindingMyDesire on May 13, 2009, at 0:00:15
FMD-
I don't have a ton of time, but you can absolutely borrow it. I wish I could send you the actual document with pictures, but there's no way here. Anyway... borrow away.
And if I might, you might consider sharing this post with her.... she probably can't give you everything you want, but she might be able to get closer if she understands your needs. I found that when I couldn't say how I felt I just read my journals. I don't do it anymore, but it was helpful.
Lastly... one little note about the arousal. It may be that you're attracted to her and want to date her (you've spoken of that before). BUT, consider for a moment the possibility that maybe you're attracted to her not as someone to date- but as a mother figure. A lot of what you say you want from her seems like a mother figure. She'll of course never be a partner or a mother, but she'll always be a better pseudo mother than a pseudo partner. Anyway, I'm a queer woman and have a woman T and I sometimes get aroused, but I DO NOT want to date her, because she's my "mom". The arousal comes from intense connection and being noticed and her telling me that yes, "I matter".
Anyway, good luck. I'll be thinking of you!
xo
WIP
> WIP,
> Wow! I just love your equation! May I borrow it?
>
> >"my equation for the big fear of abandonment"- time/time/time/time + love + empathy + consistency = the big T, TRUST.
> >
>
> That is so awesome. Your post helped motivate me a bit to actively talk to her about this. I mean, I do talk to her about this and I would probably bring it up in some way - or she would. But somehow reading your post a few times has made me think about being more direct about it. I run into challenges sometimes with this. It can go something like this:
>
> T (somewhat tentatively gauging my heightened fear and anxiety): "How are you? How was your week?"
>
> In my head: "Oh my god! I missed you so much. This felt like a super long week and it was really hard and I started to feel disconnected and scared and then that made me want to push you away. And I got mad. But just seeing you now makes me wish we could hug and I could tell you how much I need you and I wish that you would start the session by telling me how much you care and that it's OK for me to have such big feelings and that you won't hurt me or leave me because of them and that I'm likable and I have value and I mean something to you. I want you to tell me I matter."
>
> What I say: (earnestly trying to be as honest as I can be): "I'm OK. It was a hard week. It was hard to stay connected. I had a lot of feelings. I'm feeling anxious right now."
>
> T (with a caring and patient look on her face): "Can you say a little more about what was hard or what might be causing the anxiety right now?"
>
> In my head (and while rolling my eyes: "I'm such an idiot. I'm in the same stupid place I'm always in. Why can't I just be normal? Why am I so attached to her? I must make her crazy going over this again and again. She looks tired. I wonder if she's pregnant again. Why can't she just comfort me? Why am I so aroused right now? I wish I didn't want her so much."
>
> What I say: "I don't know. Somehow I just feel disconnected again."
>
> Yuck.
>
> I just wish I could somehow tell her what I'm thinking. Seems more likely to help. I don't know. It's a losing battle for her. Anything she says (or doesn't say) in response to me is going to feel like a rejection and/or criticism.
>
> I was just thinking today that she doesn't DO anything between our sessions. *I* do it all. Meaning that I leave a session feeling connected and seen and cared for and then I go about my life and come back a week later. Nothing has actually changed in terms of my real relationship with her. All that has changed is my relationship to her in my head. That's ALL ME. I make all of that up. I dissect her, determine what I have done wrong to lose her care (love), I rip myself apart for loving her - all on my own. And then I come back to her all disconnected.
>
> I totally suck to be in a relationship with. Clearly.
>
> Ooops, this post turned into a downer. Sorry!
>
> What it was meant to say really, WIP, is that I'm going to try to do SOMETHING different. And I have two more days to figure it out.
>
> Thanks again for writing. I hope you had seen my other (delayed) response to your other post. I appreciate you.
>
> FMD
>
>
>
poster:workinprogress
thread:895298
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/895467.html