Posted by sunnydays on May 2, 2009, at 20:51:13
So... I've been having a rough time the past couple weeks. I've been having trouble sleeping - I can nap during the day, but at night I either get really triggered right before I fall asleep or I wake up early and can't fall back asleep again. I'm under tremendous pressure at the moment with searching for a job and finishing up grad school, and I think it's caused my PTSD symptoms to come back full force. I had T on Friday and we talked about how I project a lot of my wants for a better mother onto him. He's not judgmental about it at all, and I actually asked him how that was possible, and his answer just made me so warm.
I don't remember much else about the session, though, which is weird for me. I remember feeling sad and that we talked about my grieving what I have lost in my childhood and not having a good mother. But I don't remember much else. And then last night when I was trying to sleep I had this overwhelming sense of panic and just started crying.
I've been wanting to call my T so badly, but I don't know why. I fear it's more projection and transference, and I don't want to call if that's what it is. I just want to know he's there. It's not anything specific, it's just hating how stressed and sad I feel and wanting him to reassure me. I try not to call unless it's something specific, but it's so hard. I've only called a few times in the past few months, and have only asked for a call back twice. I hope that's not too much...
Uggh... I get so wrapped up in the transference and it's hard to separate what is transference and what is actually my feelings towards my T. And I feel like I need to separate that out because I need to clarify what it is I need to grieve about my mother. I wish I could just get everything straight in my head.
I'm just so sad and so confused and mixed up lately. I want comfort and reassurance. I'm sorry for bothering you guys, I just don't know if maybe someone else can give me some insight. I feel so lost in all this sometimes. And I don't WANT to parent myself. It's not fair, I shouldn't have to!! Ick.
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:893958
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090421/msgs/893958.html