Posted by raisinb on April 7, 2009, at 20:48:47
In reply to Re: for goodness' sake » raisinb, posted by Kenya on April 7, 2009, at 15:41:54
I talked to my therapist today. I told her how upset and confused I was feeling. She said that she was just trying to articulate "in terms of the therapist-client relationship"--i.e., that therapists never care as much as clients do (at least I think that's where she was headed)--here I cut her off, and said, angrily, "I know all that. I've always known that." She said, "Exactly!" And that nothing had changed, it didn't mean she didn't care, wasn't committed, etc. She said she was just trying to say that however much she cared, however committed she was, it wouldn't measure up for me--that "you want me to be a ten, and I can be a seven."
I kept saying I needed to know what had changed, and she kept saying nothing had changed. But I don't believe it.
And that she had seen a lot of growth in me and that she thought we were ready to have that conversation--that it had always been that way, but we'd never really talked about how that felt to me. I said, "why?" have that conversation. And she said, "so I can understand.." and I said, "why?" And she said the same thing and I kept saying "why" and then it didn't go anywhere.
I asked her if she wanted to push me further towards ending, less sessions per week, be less needy, etc., and she said "no! Raisin, I don't think you're needy *now*. You *never* call me--I mean, this is the first time in like a year?" She said this wasn't a punishment, wasn't meant to slap me back.
I asked her if she'd thought more about saying it and she said, yes, and she'd consulted with someone in the last 24 hours. I asked what they said. She said, "they said, sounds like you told her something she wasn't ready to hear." (I did not like this one bit, of course.) But she said "it was a mistake" to say it.
I said, I thought I'd get more of an explanation, but I suppose you've given me all you have. She said she would think about it more before Thursday-"I promise."
I am still feeling confused, suspicious, hurt, and --I don't know. I don't really believe her explanation, and I can't figure out why. Maybe it just wasn't what I needed to hear. I think it was the tone. Her tone was totally professional and intellectual. It had no caring in it.
I know it's hard to judge online, but does it ring true for you guys?
Plus I feel like, um, how do we go on after this? What exactly do I say? What do I talk about? Because after she's said this, I don't really know how to talk to her any more than I'd talk to a stranger on the street.
poster:raisinb
thread:889045
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090328/msgs/889323.html