Posted by raisinb on March 20, 2009, at 22:53:31
First, I decided to call my therapist and tell her I needed more time to decide whether I was coming back. Then, I decided that given the amount of stress I was under, that I'd be better off just calling, taking the appointment, and deciding whether to cancel the day before. The ambivalent thing would've entailed more back and forth than I wanted to go through.
Second, the tenure thing is not going well at all. I don't know if I've posted it on here much, but I have had a hellish supervisor for the past three years. Talk about transference! She disliked me from day one, and I'm sure made up her mind before observing one class, evaluating any program I've run, or reading any student surveys. In meetings, she consistently harped on small negatives and did not recognize huge positives.
Also, she was supposed to file assessments on me regularly (2-3 per year) and call meetings of a peer review committee (2-3 times a year) and gather their feedback. She never filed one assessment over the three years, and hasn't called a meeting for over a year and a half. She also hasn't incorporated any feedback from my committee members (I think cause it's been highly positive) into any written documents.
Not to make this unduly long, but she's done ridiculous things--like showing up to my classes on days they aren't scheduled to meet (our classes meet only 2-3 days a week) and then sending emails to the principal and my committee that I am skipping my classes. She also looked at my grading records, and since many of my writing assignments were titled "assignment" or "project" she wrote a performance concern to the principal announcing that I was not assigning my students any writing.
Wednesday, the day before the hearing, she came into my office and announced she wasn't recommending me for tenure. Well, I freaked, and my committee members were shocked.
I called my dad (who's been a provost, dean, VP, and dept chair at a university for 30 years), my mom (also an academic administrator) and they both said that there was no way they could fire me under these conditions with no documentation.
The next day, there was a hearing with a committee of faculty elected to decide these things, her, and the principal. I have to say, I kicked a**ss in that meeting. I remained calm, jovial, and collegial, while simultaneously refuting everything she said with clear evidence.
All the important aspects of my work (at least in my view) are fine. Not to be egotistical, but I am a talented teacher. My student surveys consistently say things like "best English teacher I've ever had," and "even though this is my least favorite subject, Dr. Raisin makes it inspiring). I have also fulfilled other professional responsibilities (not perfectly, but who does?).
My supervisor wants to deny me tenure based on what she calls a "lack of collegiality." This means, as far as I can tell, a lack of a good relationship with her.
The decision is made by the principal. He considers recommendations from all members of both committees and renders his decision in early April. My parents both say he'd be a fool to fire me under these conditions--when appropriate documentation (which by the way, is in the contracts) wasn't filed. But who knows?
Anyway, I am under a phenomenal amount of stress, but I have decided to fight this through until the end. If they do deny me tenure, everyone I've consulted says I have an ace-in-the-hole lawsuit. And that's what I'm going to do. One of my best friends promises he'll pay my retainer for a good attorney.
I don't want to do that, but this is wrong. She is trying to fire me based on personal dislike. I am insecure about a lot of things about myself. But my teaching is not one of them--not usually, anyway. I know I'm one of the best.
I made a resolution after my serious depression last year to pick my battles, so this will be a hard decision for me if I actually do have to go through a protracted legal battle. But there is no doubt in my mind that that is the right thing to do, and that I have a very, very good chance of winning.
I do not want to lose my job. It's maybe the most important source of meaning and identity I have. It's the source of most of my joys and my confidence in myself. I have been crying on and off for a few days about the potential loss of it. And then, what will I do next? The academic job market isn't too great right now. I may very well have to move to get another--and that means the loss of everyone I love here, including my therapist.
But I feel extremely calm and clear about this, and I'm going to fight it through however it goes. I know I'll have moments of horrible sadness, fear, anxiety, and stress, and I will have to maintain belief in myself despite all those things--not something I'm totally good at! But in my gut, this is a battle I will fight, and which I think I might very well win.
So no, things aren't going so well. Throughout all of this, my therapist has faded into the very background of my mind, and I haven't thought much about the upcoming appointment. I will see how it goes.
Everyone I've talked to says there's no way the principal will be such a fool as to fire me under these conditions. He's been through lawsuits before, they say, and he doesn't want the headache again. But there is no telling what he thinks or what he will do.
My parents were not the best--they f**cked me up pretty good--like many of us here ;). But one thing I got from my mom--maybe in the womb, maybe through her example--grit. If there is one thing in me that will help me through this, it's the fight in me.
To lighten up my thinking, I've been listening to Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue." Because it pretty much sums up about how I feel right now--about me, about my parents, and about what might be coming.
It's highly possible--even likely--that the principal will decide to give me tenure and nothing else will be necessary.I can go back to loving my time in the classroom with these kids and the period "magic" that happens when things go well. I hope so.
Thank you for asking, TherapyGirl.
poster:raisinb
thread:886320
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090227/msgs/886320.html