Posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:19:47
In reply to I'm so lost***csa trigger***, posted by antigua3 on February 24, 2009, at 22:51:24
You are not a freak and I believe that you are experiencing the "knowing the unknowable." Of course you doubt yourself, these are things that should never have happened. They didn't make sense then and this is part of what you are remembering - the confusion and denial, even as you remember and know the truth.
I know this is all so, so hard. But the truth is that lots of kids who are abused are abused multiple times by multiple people, even in unrelated circumstances. It is a weird, unconscious thing that attracts it, I have no answers as to why this is true. But I do know that horrible feeling of "what is left hiding in there?" I often feel I can not learn one more thing, that it is all too much and I'd rather not know. But once the cracks open up, things begin to come up. And you get more and more ready to know the worst stuff.
I keep asking why the most awful stuff doesn't come up first. My therapist said it has to do with trusting him and myself. I get crazy over the details. I guess I feel like if I get one thing wrong, then it is all wrong. I struggle with the time line too - some of the memories don't fit in the ages I think I was.
Please be kind to yourself. You are in shock, and this will make you more prone to accidents. You will slowly absorb this memory and get more used to it. And then you can sort it out more. At first the disbelief and outrage strangle everything else.
I wish there was an easier road. It is good advice to let it go when you can. It gives your mind a rest. And when you can't, keep writing about it. It helps.
Gentle hugs,
Daisy
poster:DAisym
thread:882287
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/882321.html