Posted by DAisym on February 25, 2009, at 1:02:16
In reply to Re: I am Away » DAisym, posted by Dinah on February 24, 2009, at 23:41:52
I'm home. It was a long day.
I did Ok this morning, though it was still pretty triggering. My dreams were rough so I was tired. In the last break-out session of the day, the speaker was admonishing all of "us" to do more in our individual roles. She felt we didn't report often enough and that we "closed our eyes" to the problems within high-risk families. She was highly confrontational and identified herself as a survivor's survivor, whatever that means.
I asked a question about her perception that we under-reported and talked about how we have to sort out our gut feelings versus what we actually saw or had reported to us by the child or caregiver. She was really hostile with me and said, "well, it is unlikely that YOUR gut will ever really inform you because you haven't lived it. I've seen it thousands of times - administrators like you hide behind your rules and your need to be so sure that you miss opportunities to intervene on behalf of the child. If you had any idea how awful it is to live in that kind of fear you'd take a risk and do the right thing. You wouldn't just sit there."
She was so in my face and so self-rightous that I just lost it. I stood up and said, "Just so you know - I was repeatedly sexually abused between the ages of 7 to 12, including, among other things, being raped. It may have started even younger. Just because I'm not a sign-waving, man-hating activist does not mean I do not hurt with every fiber of my being when I see these kids. I don't know how you came to your conclusions about me but perhaps you should redirect your anger to those who abuse, not those who want to help." I wasn't yelling at all - I was angry but my voice was really, deadly calm. There was complete silence...and then I walked out of the meeting room before anyone could say anything.
I didn't realize I was crying until I was down the hall. Luckily it was a small group in that workshop - only about 40 people and no one from my local team. Hopefully I will never have to see any of those people ever again. I can't believe I did that, but it was building up in me and she just pushed the wrong button.
After I left, I went up to my room, checked out, went down to the shuttle, went to the airport, boarded the plane and promptly fell asleep. I slept all the way home. I probably didn't say more than 10 words all afternoon. I think I'm still in shock.
I see my therapist tomorrow. I wonder what he'll say? Loss of control is not my style at all. I'm terrified tonight that I'm in trouble, like I have to go to therapy tomorrow and tell on myself. I know he won't be mad yet I'm still worried he will be.
There are lots of intense dark feelings tonight. It has not been a good couple of days for me.
And some how, I feel this need to contact the speaker and apologize for disrupting her workshop. Do you think I need to do that? How do I even begin to explain it?
Blah. I'm going to bed. Maybe I'll just stay there tomorrow.
poster:DAisym
thread:882109
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090214/msgs/882317.html