Posted by Dinah on January 23, 2009, at 18:12:08
In reply to Re: I want my therapist to be less careful, posted by Dinah on January 22, 2009, at 23:14:22
Thanks to having worked out my thoughts here. :)
At first he seemed a bit sleepy and uninspired by the topic. He said that he may change the words, but he says what he wants to say.
But I pressed on, giving him recent examples of when he did and didn't speak openly with me.
I pretty much said what I said here. Which is also a bit different, I guess, because ordinarily I might try to change his mind. This time I told him I was trying to change his mind, trying to find the magic key. I told him about this thread, and what I'd said and what others said.
As luck would have it, he really appreciated "The Great Schizotypal War of 1998-2000" so when he stopped laughing, and pointed out that the initial skirmish had come from my pdoc, I was able to suggest to him what I figured he probably told my pdoc then, and what I think he would tell him now. To his credit, he admitted that I was correct (except that he wouldn't have told him I wanted to marry my dog). That he wasn't being mean or laughing at me, and that he would have told my pdoc those things to help me as best he could, with my interests in mind. I knew that of course. But I pointed out that if he were talking about me now, he'd say those things completely differently. For example, he now appreciates my way of expressing myself. I think he *really* got that. So he was able to understand that conditions had changed, and he could change his unwritten rules.
I pointed out recent times when he had been honest (with being bored sometimes or about my being stronger than I think I am) and I had responded very well.
We worked on the details. He promised not to say anything about my looking like a woman or growing up. (And assured me that of course he would never have reason to say those things.) And that he would be delicate in areas surrounding the T word. (More below.)
We clarified that I recognized that as a therapist he has always and will always think before he speaks. And that I am not foolish enough to ask him to be honest about every passing thought all the time. He is welcome to keep his thoughts to himself when he's not feeling particularly caring. (He thinks that's a very sensible stance.) We worked out the details.
With five minutes left, and no real time to start something new, I joked to him that it was also ok for him to express his views about home decoration. (He had said something recently then stopped in his tracks when I expressed a contrary point of view.) I said he didn't need to build rapport with me by avoiding mentioning views contrary to my own. And I learned something. He said that that was a reason, but the biggest reason would be to not influence a client's judgment even about small matters, since some clients might feel the need to please a therapist by agreeing with him. I pointed out that though I might wish to please him, I was unlikely to do so by agreeing with him. :D We ended up talking politics (and he was careful to continue to be honest if we didn't agree).
It really was infused with warmth and laughter. And while I suspect that at first he was uninterested, by the end he was fully engaged.
As I left I asked if I had found the magic key. He replied that he did have a better understanding now, but that only time would tell if it was the magic key.
My therapist is so very cool.
poster:Dinah
thread:875449
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090109/msgs/875680.html