Posted by antigua3 on December 12, 2008, at 19:29:44
In reply to Have to chill for a while..., posted by lucie lu on December 11, 2008, at 18:37:58
It's funny, but this came up in therapy this week, what to tell the kids and when.
So maybe this will make you feel better. I have one big secret--the CSA; and the family has another, about the murder of an innocent child by his own parent.
Now, my oldest son (20) knows about all of it. He knows about the homicide because he lived through the trial, etc. He never knew the child, but did know the person who committed the crime. I told him about my CSA his second year of college (or first, can't really remember). Turns out he already pretty much knew about it. No details; I didn't go into them. He was relieved that I told him, and it has brought us closer together, although we've always been very close. It just helps him understand me better, and he is running into girls at college who have experienced the same sort of thing. So I think I help him too to understand.
My teenage daughter, again, knows about the second thing because she too had to experience the trials. Never knew the child. She knew about it since she was young in school because all the parents and teachers were gossiping about it, so it was important for her to know the truth. Unfortunately, it has scarred her, and I think she's afraid of boys partly because of this.
My DD needs to know the first secret, and she probably has a decent idea about it, w/books I try to hide, etc., noticing that i've been in therapy for a while, no pix of my father in the house, etc. But when do I tell her? I think it's a big thing between us, and she's angry that I haven't told her, but now, at Christmas, is not the time. But my T brought up telling her this week (not to tell her this week, but brought it up). Maybe next summer, too, but I'm not sure if she does need to know yet.
My youngest knows nothing. He needs to know the family secret, and I guess I will probably tell him next summer, when he's around a lot, and not worried about school, etc. He's a long ways off from needing to know about the first.
Like you, I don't want to burden my children, but there is a sense of relief for them when they know, I think, because it helps them understand better.
Your daughters sound like they need to know because they want to understand. They probably have a pretty good idea already (kids are way too intuitive these days). But that doesn't mean they need to know details. I tell only my T and pdoc the details. My husband knows that the csa "happened" to me, but he doesn't want to know any details whatsoever. He can't handle it.
So think about talking to your daughters, a little.
Take care, please, and we'll miss you lots.
XXX OOO
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:868163
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/868370.html