Posted by lucie lu on December 11, 2008, at 18:37:58
I have to take a break from Babble. There are many threads I want to respond to right now and just can't. This week has been tough. I'm really struggling. Right now therapy, RL, and memories are colliding in a most unpleasant way. I can't explain it, not right now. My now-grown daughter was just asking me if I was OK. She said to me, "Mom, you never let on what's going on inside. (My sister) and I are concerned. The only signs of trouble we ever see in you are very subtle, but I think they are there now. We would really like to know that you are OK." I asked her, "OK in what way? You mean OK like are we OK? Or OK in that am I not feeling very good in my own life?" She said, "No, I think we are all OK. I just think you are a very private person and keep your sadness to yourself, and (my sister) and I want to help if we can and to know that you are OK." Well, this totally caught me off guard. I had spent my own childhood carrying my mom's drunken burdens, and I had made a vow to myself that I would *never, ever* burden my own kids with adult problems. And now they think I am too closed? They should only know. And what would I really feel comfortable telling them, anyway? Right now what is hurting me is an exacerbation of my "war wounds" by some RL situations - work, marriage. I'm having dissociative experiences, flashbacks, general sense of unreality, mood swings, depression - all of my psychiatric problems in technicolor this week. And I'm handling it as best I can, with my T. Maybe I can talk to my kids about work but the interpersonal stuff is just too, well, personal. My DH also wants me to disclose more. We just started couples counseling. He is away right now. In a very dark mood I emailed him and said, "Do you *really* want to know what is inside me? I don't think you do. It is very dark. I wouldn't, if I had a choice." Do these people, my family, my loved ones, *really* want to know what is inside of me?? I don't think they do. I have mostly been able to keep my darkness from them. They know it's there but it's not out there for them to deal with. (This is how, rsk, I can relate to you not telling your family anything, although I am not DID I think some things are similar.)
This week with my DH gone, I have been very, very tired. Only getting a few hours of sleep per night. Things feel rather chaotic around here, because I have felt so out of it and have not provided the usual framework. Other times my DH's been away, I've run a relatively well- functioning enterprise around here - people fed, bills paid, animals fed, not too chaotic. But this week, things were chaotic, no meals only leftovers, no cleaning, papers left unsigned, things left undone (animals always get fed, though - never let go of that; I'm an animal lover.) So this afternoon, I came back from work and cleaned everything up. I got it all together. Home looked nice to come home to again. And I realized that to my kids, this "chaos" is an occasional and temporary occurrence, maybe even feels fun because it is unusual. For me, chaos was how I grew up. What it was always like. That made me feel better, when I finally realized that at even at my very worst, I was only keeping pace with what was commonplace for me.
The difference between then and now is killing me, right now. I feel caught between two different realities, except that one is now and one is past. I have an extra meeting with my T tomorrow. There is more that I could write but I just can't anymore right now, I am really, really tired.
poster:lucie lu
thread:868163
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/868163.html