Posted by FindingMyDesire on November 30, 2008, at 23:32:55
In reply to I'd like to get to know the Babble therapists, posted by Dinah on November 24, 2008, at 20:29:20
I can't pass up an opportunity to go on and on about my T. And since I just went through another round of closing off from the world and then coming back... I'm trying to catch up on the posts.
As I have mentioned many times, my T has an incredible memory. Most of the time of course this helps me feel cared for and heard. She can bring bits of information I have previously given her out and reapplies them to new things in a totally intelligent way. Other times if I have said something embarrassing - or worse - given her something written that I then feel shame about, I wish she would forget it. ;-)
She is roughly my age - late thirties - I think. I could be off, but we are basically peers. She is at least a whole head taller than me. I think she just towers over me, but I know I project her higher than she probably really is. She is so very attractive - especially when she laughs. Her eyes get wild when I get animated about something or when we laugh about something. I LOVE her eyes. Sometimes they are almost wet with empathy. I can really feel her in the room with me when I can bear to look into her eyes for any length of time.
She is very calm and solid. She is so consistent that I notice almost any shift in her energy. She is a good rock for my totally anxious and fidgeting self. She, too, leans forward when I'm really struggling and talks in a much quieter voice. Sometimes I can hardly hear her, which I don't like because I don't want to miss a word she ever says.
She is still an intern which is really unbelievable because she is so very amazing. But this means she is working out of her supervisor's office. I can't wait for her to someday have her own place so that I can see more of her in the room. I have to see her in two different rooms actually. I almost feel like we have two different relationships with each other as a result of the different rooms.
I know hardly anything about her personally. It kills me not to be able to ask about her, learn about her life, do things for her, listen to her, take care of her, bring things for her that I know she would like, make things for her... I can hardly ask her how she is. She only gives me the shortest, quickest answer. She knows my tendency to totally take care of others at the loss of myself and protects me from being able to do that. It makes it so hard not to be able to do things for her to ensure her love for me. I just have to be me all by myself and accept that she cares about me. The reality is that I found a little information on the web - not even that much - and it totally upset me. It wasn't upsetting information, I just didn't like knowing these facts about her. And that makes me feel so guilty. I don't even want to know what her favorite donut is! Now I fantasize about bringing her donuts... it's so ridiculous. Right now I'm able to wish things for her - assume things about her - like that she has a wonderful husband and family and friends. I want for her to be so loved and cared for and assume that she is because she is so great and seems so confident and together. But if I learn information about her husband, friends, family, etc. I think I will start to be jealous. I don't want that. Now I'm totally off topic...
She's funny. She brings just the right amount of humor to our sessions. She lets me direct a little too much, but I think that is her style and she feels it is so important for me to lead the way. However, I have talked about wanting a little more pushing and I feel like she is asking more questions now which is great.
One of the most important things about her for my work is that I can hurt, angry, scared, whatever and bring it to her - even accuse her of something - and she doesn't crush me. She listens, hears me, (gently) corrects me if I have misunderstood her, apologizes if she thinks she has messed up, or just finds a way to show me several feelings and different realities can exist at the same time.
The most important thing of all is that she is not afraid of my feelings for her. I just think I need to have them right now - projection or not - or both. I just feel totally in love with her.
Long as usual.
FMD
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:865092
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/866006.html