Posted by Wittgensteinz on November 22, 2008, at 20:04:15
On Thursday evening I was nagging (again) about the status quo between T and I. As I wrote before, I had the image of a child with a plaster (band-aid?) over a wound, wanting to peal it off and take a peak.
So, Friday it's very windy, black skies - a storm, looks like there could be lightning. I decide against cycling across the open fields to the station and take the bus. The direct trains are all delayed because of broken tree branches and leaves on the lines, so I decide to take a different route. Long story, short, it backfires and I end up arriving for my session half an hour late. I start my 20 minute session by saying that perhaps it is a good thing I am so late as I feel a need to bring it all up once again - how on the one hand I feel a warmth and affection toward him but on the other I feel confused and uncomfortable about the way things have been left since the incident - that things don't feel resolved or healed after what happened - that I still feel silenced. I said that it was hard for me not to dive into one strong feeling over the other.
I don't know what it was, but this short session went so differently than the previous ones we've had trying to resolve this rupture, perhaps because I had more time to think it through while sitting on the train. Finally, it felt we were back in the same space again. I told about how what happened made me feel but more importantly why I think it made me feel that way - how it brought up some deep, painful memories from my childhood - feelings of being invisible, being minimised, treated as an object, a feeling of no longer existing. Voicing all this and being heard also enabled me to join the dots as to why this has had such an impact on me and why his response hurt so much - why I find it so hard to trust him when something like this happens - why at that moment it doesn't matter what has gone before us, of all his gestures of trustworthiness and caring becoming 'lost' or 'erased'.
We ended the session with him fretting over whether I had my rain coat (the rain was pelting against the windows by this point). He wished me a pleasant birthday and I wished him a nice weekend. I did have a good birthday - I didn't cry - and I don't ever recall having a birthday before now where I didn't cry(!) - it's something about birthdays, the nostalgia perhaps, that makes me very sad - I'm not a big crier but this one day in the year does it for me!
Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:864765
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081120/msgs/864765.html