Posted by myrtledog on November 7, 2008, at 8:53:39
In reply to Object Permanence -- Daisy and whoever else, posted by TherapyGirl on November 6, 2008, at 20:44:19
Therapy Girl, Im sorry Ive not been quicker to reply. Im not well at the moment so I perhaps wont express this as well as I would hope.
I think you know a little about my situation. My T, with whom I had been working just over 2 years, retired in August of this year and moved to the other side of the country in October [Im in UK]. I had been working intensively with her twice weekly, and had A LOT of contact in between I could text her and did so approx 8 times a day sometimes. So she was always very close. Like you, being abandoned by her in this way was my very worst fear and had dominated the therapy process even before the issue of her leaving was actually a live one. I had a fair amount of warning of her leaving she told me in March that we would be finishing in October. Unfortunately things were complicated by a family member being very ill and requiring her to finish in August to look after her. It goes without saying that that was extremely hard. [You might also recall my posts about my distress about her getting married your response was particularly helpful].
In terms of object permanence, we had lots of ways for me to try and achieve that. Firstly I had lots of things that belonged to her a bracelet, a shell, photocopies of her hand around the house, a scarf that smells of her. Those sorts of things. One of the most special things to me is that in her room she used to have a pair of small shells. One day she gave me one of these shells as another transitional object. The next session the remaining shell of the pair was gone. I was a bit aghast at that so I asked her where it was. She said she had put it in her purse, so that it was always with her. I was, and remain, incredibly moved by that. I now keep my shell of the two in my purse. Before she left I asked if she would take her shell out, but she said it would always be there.
For her going, we did a video recording thing of our voices, and that is soothing now. I dont play it over and over and over because its impact is too great. I gave her some soap and hand lotion which were special to me and which I have also. She gave me a bear called Posh Paws who is to represent her. And she also did an amazing thing for one of my teddy bears, the effect of which will stay with me forever and was so big I can hardly take in.
I acknowledge and understand everything you have said about distance, and I too struggle with that. From august until October I knew where she was and I could place her. Even though I wasnt going to do anything about it, such as drive round or anything, it WAS a comfort. Now she has moved, I have no idea where she is, only roughly which area of the country. I can rationalise that it makes no difference, because I cant see her anyway, but it still seems to matter, especially to the 3 year old.
However, a few weeks before the end I asked her to choose a place in the universe where I could find her. She chose the middle star of Orions belt. She insists that that is OUR star. I can look up at the sky and find that star and I know that she can see it too and that she will look out for it and that is also very powerful.
I have no contact with her, in terms of telephone/email/text and that is by far and away the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. Again, I can rationalize why it has to be that way but to the 3 year old it is feels frankly cruel and baffling.
Right in the last session I asked her if she would search for me on the internet. I write a diary on another message board and she reads this I can see the page visited counter tick over. That is a big, big help. [I have to keep a check on how many times I say in the diary please just write YES in the visitor message section so that I know you are reading. But it cant be anyone else. But why cant she just write YES?????]
I think you have to stop searching for her out there. Generally when I start off down this path, as I very regularly do, I hit the buffers. I do better when I look into my heart, for she is there in my heart and in my bones and in my soul. And that is why distance is no object. I think of her and of the immensely powerful connection that we have and then she is there. Im crying now as I write this but it is the good crying because of the amazing thing I had.
Its very difficult to know how to pitch this because I want to tell you that it will be fine, and things arent fine Im having a nightmare. What I can say is that this loss was my very worst fear. But I have survived it. You have to grieve it and there is no real way around it. But you will never lose what you had it will be there isnt you and you will have been changed by it.
I am not seeing another T. I interviewed what felt like hundreds, all vastly inferior. My plan was to see a T who my T had seen. I had a few reservations, but I felt I could work with her, if only to help manage my grief. After 6 sessions however, that T said she wasnt the right T for me. That hurt like a bastard. There had at least been comfort in knowing she knew my T. After that searching for new Ts just seemed to make the pain of my loss worse. I had a very special connection with my T and she was by far and away the best T for me. I do need some help right now, that is very evident. I dont really know what to do because all other Ts just seem rubbish and to make it worse.
There is definitely lots more I can say but this post is already very long. For what its worth, it is a comfort to me that you can understand what I am going through.
Im thinking of you TG.
poster:myrtledog
thread:861211
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/861277.html