Posted by Partlycloudy on November 6, 2008, at 13:02:44
As I've been writing here, I'm in the middle of a PTSD outburst as the result of some suddenly recovered memories of CSA that I experienced 35 years ago.
My husband heard of this as he sat next to me in a taxicab and I spoke with my therapist, telling her what had happened. (We were out of town the morning after the memory had belched, fully formed, during a womens' support group that I'm in. All I had done at that time was sob, but I put a call in to my T and she and I had an incredibly awkward conversation that next day.)
Since that time, my PTSD has been pretty bad. Terrible temper, bad headaches, severe backaches, disrupted sleep with nightmares, unable to hold my thoughts, increased depression, much worse than usual anxiety, a sudden return of panic attacks - in short, I've quickly become a mess. My T asked me to see my pdoc and I'm just starting on an adjusted medication regime, and trying to deal with the headaches and back pain in the best way I can. I'm going to try to work with a trusted yoga instructor starting next week whom I respect a great deal.
But my husband doesn't get this whole PTSD thing - he knows about the trauma, but can't understand how I can suddenly be suffering now, all of a sudden. It's all I can do to tell him when I'm not doing well ("my back is really hurting," "my head is really bad," "I'm not having a good day,") - and I know it's not that he doesn't care. I showed him the book that I'm working with and how difficult I'm finding it at times, and his response was to just drop the subject entirely.
I find that I have no patience and am getting really upset in trying to explain myself to him. I'm also feeling super guilty - I'm feeling, in the pit of my stomach, that OF COURSE I should be over this, and OF COURSE if this is hurting, then I should stop working on it. And I'm directing all the conflict and anger I'm feeling about how crappy I feel right at my husband, who truly does not deserve any of this.
I don't want to hurt him. I'm hurting myself right now. I really, really want to crawl under a rock right now. So discouraged.
poster:Partlycloudy
thread:861120
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/861120.html