Posted by rskontos on November 5, 2008, at 13:35:37
I have noticed lately my ups and downs are too much for me to deal with. I told my T/pdoc and he upped my wellbutrin. So far ain't helping.
I have a history of AD's doing nada, zippo for me. I had my neurotransmittor levels measured and I know which ones are high and which ones are low and trying to take stuff for that but still no help.
Yesterday for example, for a while I thought I can take on the world and then the next hour the sky is falling.
Yesterday, I was all for going back to school to get a second degree.
Today it seems impossible. For one thing, the requirements I believe are just not possible for this messed up brain.
It is one thing for my p-doc/therapist to think I have the brain power. But perhaps I have him fooled.
what if I fail. Failure is just not permitted.
Isn't it better to just not try something than to fail.
I guess today I just feel like their are too many things I have failed at doing. Hell I can't even keep myself going day to day.
I am so tempted to mail in the notice to the school and say no I am not coming so take me out of program.
I am so scared. I am crying off and on. I feel like life has just passed me by. I feel damaged beyond belief. And I feel like the degree I do have is worthless. What was Vanderbilt thinking when they gave that to me?
Ok I will stop my pity party unless someone else wants to join me. I hate it when I sound even to myself that I am whinny.
I have no clue what to do. I have people calling me about job interviews but I don't want to do those jobs. I should take my resume down until I figure out what I want to do.
The problem is I still don't know what I want to do.
It is possible I will drift forever
forever damaged
forever feeling like I was messed up and can't recover enough
even to figure out how to make my life mean something now to me.
I can't stop the echoes of the past inside my head. I sleep hearing it and I wake up hearing it. And then I am powerless to
stop the past from destroying the future I am trying to set up.And yes I have told him, my t/pdoc this. He thinks I should just take a class and it will help.
But for me, just a class or even 3 as he told me to take won't help because I have some classes I just know I won't be able to manage. My brain just miss fires sometimes. I feel my memory is still on the fritz.
So how can I go back. ok, I know I sound scared. I am. I am scared to death. I want to do well.
well I thought this would help but all it made me do is cry.
thanks for listening.
I am sorry so many threads I want to answer but can't.
I do care about each one of you. I wish I could help all.
just can't help myself either.
take care all
rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:860954
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/860954.html