Posted by stellabystarlight on October 19, 2008, at 15:48:57
In reply to it crept up on me when I wasn't noticing..., posted by twinleaf on October 19, 2008, at 0:27:20
"In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." -Albert Camus
I'm so happy for you, Twinleaf! This must be such an amazing time of rediscovering your authentic self. Your successful therapy story gives me hope that my therapy will work out for me. I've read your old posts about your horrific abandonment experience, and I admire the way you handled such pain with so much dignity. I'm not surprised that you are winning your battle with depression...I always thought you could do it...your intelligence and dignity come through your posts. You're not just a "pretty" face! Lol!
I believe people are saying you look pretty because your inner beauty is radiating from your authentic self. The first time I had this experience was not through therapy but through a soul awakening trip through Asia. I came back to the US feeling at peace, forgiving and loving myself and others. I noticed after the trip, that people were warm and calm in my presence, and couldn't get enough of my new loving self. Unfortunately, this only lasted for 3 months as I slowly started to succumb to the painful darkness again. But I was grateful for this beautiful experience no matter how brief, and held on to it as one of the most remarkable time in my life where I connected to my true self...without pain and emptiness.
That was 15 years ago, but recently, I started experiencing brief moments of that same wholeness again with my therapist. It started happening when I finally realized that he truly does care about "me". Not as a woman or a patient that pays his bills, but as a human being that he can "see", fundamentally "feel", and connect to on a deep level. With this powerful realization, I found myself thinking if he can "love" me, then maybe I am lovable and worth loving. My T is not as "steady" as your Dr.K, and we have ruptures from time to time, but I'm learning and healing through the repairs with him.
Through your post, I now see my T and I together as loving parents, "laying down new connections" and re-wiring a neglected and traumatized adopted baby(myself) through love and understanding. Mirroring the baby's thoughts and feelings as you have said, in a way that's "less painful, less anxiety-producing, less shameful, less hopeless." Fifty minutes a week, he and I are parents nurturing and healing the baby...lovingly watching her "cuddling with its mother, smiling, meeting her eyes, looking away, grasping a toy..."
I wish we could throw you and Dr. K a "depression elimination" party! Your Dr. K is not only a world-class listener, but also a world-class "lover" for allowing himself and you to love you, together. Thanks for sharing the wonderful news!
Stellabystarlight
poster:stellabystarlight
thread:858205
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/858275.html