Posted by twinleaf on October 19, 2008, at 0:27:20
I can scarcely believe I'm writing this, but the major depression which I have had since my mother died ten years ago disappeared completely about a month ago! I began to notice that people seemed more relaxed and friendly around me and yesterday I was startled when three people told me I looked "pretty". (to appreciate how unusual this is, I have never been called pretty in my entire life until now, and I'm not young any longer!) For weeks I was sure that I would start to feel awful again at any moment, but it hasn't happened. Medication once played a big part in my treatment, although none of them worked very well. Now I take just 300 mg of Lithium and vitamins. TMS has been extremely helpful during the times when I felt the worst; now that it's going to be readily obtainable, I don't know whether I'll need it or not.
I was trying to understand what made this happen. Longtime posters might remember some of the posts about the psychoanalyst I went to from 2003 to 2007 when I used the name Pfinstegg- the one who seemed so warm and skillful, but who suddenly fell completely apart, told me he didn't feel safe in the office with me, was afraid I was going to attack him sexually, and ended by shouting at me to get out of his office. I had really trusted him and had certainly told him far more things than I have had time to tell my present analyst. It's hard to put my finger on what is better and different with this one. One of the things he has faithfully done is to always try to make up missed sessions. For example, he had jury duty several months ago. When it was cancelled at about 10 AM, he called my cell to see if I could come in sometime that day. Another time, I was prevented from driving there by a fire which closed the highway; when I called, he asked if I could come at 7 PM- late for him. When he goes away on a trip, we usually have extra sessions before and after. I think he is like this with all his patients, but I think he is especially aware of how painfuj the rejection by the other analyst was to me. Even though I know he actually had a breakdown, somehow it still hurt a lot. But I'm wondering...the new analyst-Dr. K. -doesn't let his mind stray from me. He doesn't put much emphasis on verbal interpretations, but I'd call him a world-class listener..Somehow, the things I have told him get silently metabolized by him, and then returned to me in forms that are less painful, less anxiety-producing, less shameful, less hopeless. He does want you to work hard; there is never a choice to not say something. He needs me to say everything I possibly can. Comparing the two analysts, I'd say that this one places a lot more emphasis on the relationship that we have- especially in tracking and expressing the slightest changes in feeling which occur in me while I am with him. Even though he's a psychoanalyst, we have yet to analyze a dream! When I think of him- that's every minute or two- I see this wonderful face with the thoughtful expression and the penetrating eyes. I'm the center of his world when I'm there, and he's the center of mine.
Daisy wrote recently about "moments of meeting". I read somewhere that a baby cuddling with its mother, smiling, meeting her eyes, looking away, grasping a toy, babbling- in 20 minutes of doing that will lay down many thousands of new connections between the 100 billion neurons it is born with. Since it has been discovered not too long ago that the brain can change and remodel its connections throughout life, and can even create new neurons in some places like the hippocampus, something like that must be happening when therapy really works. Maybe we can think of effective therapy as an extra-long, extra-good mother-baby experience. Before long, there will be much better MRIs; perhaps we'll be able to see it happening!
poster:twinleaf
thread:858205
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/858205.html