Posted by turtle on October 19, 2008, at 10:54:45
In reply to MAJOR Find - a LONG piece of my STORY (triggers?), posted by FindingMyDesire on October 17, 2008, at 23:19:03
FMD,
Your giddiness is infectious! How did it go when you shared this with your T? I'm very happy for you right now. Figuring out this pattern is a great find! Youve done some very hard work. It's such a great feeling when it all falls into place and finally something makes sense!
I feel pain for you when I hear your negative self messages. I have to admit that I very selfishly wish that I could make your negative messages go away and replace them with self-love for the great person that you are. This must be very difficult for therapists! As I say this to you, I also have to admit that I'm not ready to let my own negative messages go yet! I know, not fair! But I can wish that for you anyway, can't I? I so very much wish you could know the truth of your internalized homophobia, which is just another form of using self-hate to make sense of incomprehensible rejection. I have some negative core beliefs of my own. (Of course I was rejected by everyone, starting with my parents, it's because there is something inside me that is repulsive. Because of that, I can't risk letting others close, including my therapist. I couldn't do that to her) My therapist is pretty smart, she resisted the urge to reach in and try to rip my belief away from me. She is gentle with me but does say that these beliefs need to be challenged when they appear.
Although these negative messages that I tell myself are painful, somehow when I hold them close and believe they are real it makes the twisted shape of the world make some sort of sense. At least my feeling like I "understand" the rejection makes me feel a little better. (Even if the "understanding" is self destructively turned inward instead of seeing the other persons issues.) With your new discovery your world has suddenly become a little less twisted. You clearly see how your patterns formed and how they have influenced your life. I truly hope that with this new understanding the negative messages will begin to no longer fit and will lose some of their power over you.
Thank you so much for sharing all of this! I loved reading how you figured all of this out!
Turtle
poster:turtle
thread:858044
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/858225.html