Posted by Dinah on October 15, 2008, at 8:21:14
In reply to Re: So scared, posted by JayJ on October 15, 2008, at 7:18:46
> I'm sorry if I am continuing with this beyond it's use.
Not at all! I'm sorry if I worded my question abruptly. I appreciate your input, and just wanted to make sure I understood the question properly. A lot of times "for instances" help me do that.
> I guess it's because it echos some of my own work right now, not in the specifics of your "issue", but trying to claw through fragmented memories, and perhaps, as you say memories of memories, to try to figure out the basis of my own difficulties.
Perhaps I don't do that as much as I should. Between the time involved and my talent at dissociation, memory is tricky for me in some ways. I can remember some specifics, but I often can't place them in context. Perhaps that's the reason that I also grab onto details that would place them, and assure me the memories are real. In this case, the memory of the discussion with my mother is solid, while the memories of the things we discussed (apart from the conversation) aren't as strong. I'd have held on to that memory because it was something I could check every once in a while with her recollections, at least back when her memories were a bit more reliable.
I do hold on to them, because the entire thing is inexplicable to me, and I'm always hoping one day I'll find the key. My strongest current theory was formed with big contributions from the ideas expressed by Babble poster noa. (Thank you, noa)
My thought is that early on, before my brother, and not necessarily from events in my dream but possibly from events that sparked my dreams, my amygdala "learned" that vomit was a life threatening event that demanded instant action. I have very clear memories of the summer before my brother came, when I was in a long car trip with a cousin with a weak stomach, I had a lot of the same symptoms but no panic attacks.
The experiences with my brother strengthened that link between vomiting and a very strong, immediate, faster than thought amygdala response. At the same time, my OCD kicked in and pushed the whole thing far past a phobia into a way of life.
Because of the invalidation of my fears, particularly by my mother who was up to then the closest person in the world to me, my dissociative tendencies kicked in. Between that and the healthy coping mechanisms I learned but somewhat misapplied, I erected a piecemeal scaffolding of coping mechanisms that not only distanced and protected me from the fear, but also protected the fear from me. It's hard for me to touch the fear with conscious thought or will or logical thoughts.
> Part of my previous questions were trying to get at what you felt/feel about your brother. Did you hate him as a usurper but not be able to express it openly? Then perhaps the anger came out focussing on a trait of his that nobody can really like and you had already expressed concern about? It might have been a relatively safe way of expressing your anger/pain and getting back at him, maybe even getting some attention for you, without having to address the real issue directly.
Well, I did "hate" the usurper. For taking my parents (because of course he was the new puppy and got a lot of their attention), and also for bringing this element of terror into my previously safe house. If my parents had handled it better, it might have gone better. But I was pretty good at expressing it. He wasn't half bad at expressing his feelings for me either.
I do think you're on to something. I've often noted that my obsessions are a way of focusing my attention and anxiety about lots of things into one fear. I had lots of stuff going on in my life. My brother coming, my best friend leaving, moving to a school where I was tormented and bullied, fights with my mother, my uncle coming to stay with us for a while. Not all at 10 or 11, but in the few years around that time. And my hormones did kick in with the usual emotional impact, although my actual period started later.
While I wasn't shy about expressing my feelings concerning any of these things, my theory goes something like this.
Just as gulf storms get sucked into the vortex of a hurricane, a lot of the energy of the rage and fear and hatred (towards my brother and my classmates) and my grief (at effectively losing my mother) and my frustration (at my impotence to change any of it) got sucked into the vortex of my fears about vomit. It traveled over the warm waters of secrecy, because my fears were met with disbelief and anger, and because secrets confer power. It all became the perfect storm for my amygdala.
> OK, enough - I hope I haven't offended you at all with anything I've said. That would be the last thing I want. Perhaps I'm just stretching my exploring muscles for my own search, but it really is meant with the best of intent for you.
Again, not at all. Writing this to you helped consolidate various thoughts that have been bouncing around in my brain but that I haven't yet coalesced into a full narrative. That's one of the biggest benefits I've found on Babble. Other posters not only provide insight and wisdom, but answering them allows me an opportunity to structure my whirling thoughts. So I thank you.
Dinah
poster:Dinah
thread:857131
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/857540.html