Posted by lemonaide on October 7, 2008, at 23:20:06
In reply to Re: I miss my T, posted by lucie lu on October 7, 2008, at 16:02:04
Wow you all seem to know me very well! lol One thing I have learned you can learn how to therapize other people, but when you comes to oneself, we are just as messed up as everyone. So even though I know relationships take time, it doesn't reply to me, okay. lol
You are right, I am used to the comfort my 2nd T offered me, and right now I just want to sit in his presence for that. I guess I am not at comfortable with my new T yet, that will take time.
She brought up the fact she is a women today and I might have issues around that. I agreed, I get along with males a lot better always in my life. But I am getting better at that, and she agreed.
I guess what I am uncomfortable about is what we are talking about, it is VERY personal. She wants to know what I am feeling, and where and yes today I tried not to cry talking about the abuse. She asked me why and I said I don't know. She told me it common for someone with my background to ignore my body responses to anger, and danger, till it gets overwhelming and I lose it. I have learned to dissociate the physical and emotional pain. It reminds me of my guinea pigs, when they perceive a threat, they freeze like little statues. I guess I have learn to not do this.
She talked about me not feeling, that I suppress my emotions, and what helped me survive in the past, now hinders me as an adult. She doesn't believe I am DID, but she know I dissociated in the true form while I was being abused. And sometimes when I am thinking, I lose myself in my thoughts. But I don't lose time or anything like that. But I got into 2 car accidents while being worried about my FIL dying and the other one was going to see my first T. (those were pleasant sexual thought though.)
We talked about what do I do when I feel angry, sad, etc. How does my body feel. Well I don't know, I couldn't answer most of that. I have for so long not had feelings, now I do because of last T, has brought them out. But now I have to learn to control them. I need to learn to compartmentalize my feelings in certain situations. What is interesting my family doc said the same thing to me last week.
She told me is going to ask me how I am feeling and where do I feel it while we are working together. She asked what I thought about that, and I said, It is scary for me. ( I don't know why) She want me to feel the feeling, hold the feeling and release the feeling. ugggh!So I guess today I just got out of my comfort zone with therapy. I guess there are some basic stuff we need to work on before we can even deal with my past. I notice she controls the session, not me, like I did with both T's. She lets me talk, but she doesn't let me get off the subject either. She doesn't let me go on and on about fluff stuff. lol
Next week is going to be so hard I think, it is Lia's birthday and the 1st anniv. of my brother's death. It is on my mind, but I feel kinda numb about it right now. I guess I want some comfort right now, I want my old T, to cry in his presence, and for him to emotionally hold me. That makes me sad that I can't have that now.
poster:lemonaide
thread:856219
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/856334.html