Posted by Amanda29 on September 28, 2008, at 12:41:37
Last night, my mind was on overload, and I was emailing him and thinking about how he was going to respond and I was thinking about my sessions and what they will be like talking to him about everything that is freaking me out right now...I was thinking about how that I wish sometimes I was suicidal so that I could put myself out of my misery...(but I am not .. because I am scared of death and dying...) but I looked up online ways to kill myself...and well, it freaked me out. I AM NOT SUICIDAL...
Anyway, I didnt want to email him again, so I sent him a text message telling him that I was freaking out..that it is NOT an emergency but I just need someone to talk to ..and that I was acting odd. ( we developed this tool to look at my thoughts and rate them as either issue or emergency...and that if it is an issue..it is something we can deal with later in therapy...if it is an emergency...I can call him.) To me..this wasn't emergent because I wasnt trying to hurt myself..but really in my mind it was an emergency.
He told me to call the crisis hotline if it got to bad.I didnt call. I didnt want to call because it wasnt a true emergency...and really the only person I want to talk to right now...is my T. And that sucks because I know that he isnt always availiable for me to be able to talk to.
He mentioned to me at our session last thursday how that it would be great if ten years from now I came to him and told him I didnt have time for him anymore..that things were going great in my life..and I could just stop coming to therapy.
This triggered me into panic mode...and now I am finding every desperate attempt to keep him as my T. I have a fear of abandonment and I cannot handle even the idea of not being in thearpy anymore...I am seriously freaking out.
I asked him in email if he would let ME be the one to announce that I was done wtih T. Unless I do some thing that he feels like he cannot handle me anymore...(which he told me he wouldnt abandon me or terminate me) Knowing that I am in charge of when I quite therapy...that would make me calm down. (He hasn't responded yet).
I am just dealing with a lot right now...I am dealing with my resisting in T. and I told him I am afraid of growth and change. And that I feel like I am going to be sick the rest of my life because that is what I am comfortable with ...and that i need to stay in therapy the rest of my life bcause I honestly do not know how to live my life...I am pathetic. I resist everything he suggests...and I dont mean to ...Im just so scared to move forward with my life...I moved forward so much and now I want to stop. I want time to stand still. Im so scared of living it hurts. No one understands how I feel...and it is hard to explain it to him. I belong in the psych ward of the hospital away from everyone bcause all I am is in the way. I need to be around people of my own kind.
I feel like my family is so used to me being sick..mentally and physically that they have lost faith or hope in me ever being well. They have lost the idea that I will one day be happy and be in a good relationship with someone.
I gave up a while ago, but that does not mean that I want to stop trying to be a better person...I am just scared. AND, I am alone. The only person I feel comfortable talking to is my T..I can't loose him.
I am really hurting and I dont know what to do about it.
poster:Amanda29
thread:854615
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854615.html