Posted by lucie lu on September 12, 2008, at 16:41:10
I saw my T today and now I feel deflated, disconnected, anxious and insecure, even though nothing negative really happened in the session. (I never quite know how these things happen, I just feel them later. Like having some small medical procedure, maybe even physical therapy, and it feels OK at the time and then you go home and wham, as few hours later it hurts like hell?) Wed had a couple of very close sessions recently and I was feeling pretty secure. Todays session was only unexceptional, nothing more really I do think he was preoccupied a bit though, which might have been a bit disappointing but no big deal, at least until I got home and got slammed with anxiety, dissociation, immobilization etc. And I have Friday Syndrome again - big time. Damn!
FS sounds ridiculous but I have struggled really painfully with it and its no joke. Hows this for irrational? For the first couple of years, once I started a 2x/week schedule, I saw my T on Mondays and Thursdays. Then our schedules changed and we had to do Tuesdays and Fridays. Thats when the Friday Syndrome appeared. Id drive back to work after our morning session and find some reason to call from the parking lot and leave a message on his machine something that occurred to me, something I forgot to say, some insight I had on the drive back. Then it just progressed from there, my tensing up in session in the last 15 minutes, then getting teary during the session, eventually starting to dread meeting on Fridays altogether. I was getting phobic and there really wasn't much he could do or say to change it. I would go home and completely dissociate - at its worst, for the next 24 hrs. I wanted to quit therapy altogether, I just couldnt stand it. I insisted that I needed to come either once or 3x a week but definitely not twice! My experience of FS is that deep down in my psyche, maybe even reptilian brain level, there is this blind, completely unwavering, panicked certainty that after our session ends on Friday, a year or three passes until our next meeting. Like theres this huge abyss that needs to be crossed. On the other hand, the Tues-Fri interval is reasonably comfortable and manageable and never caused this problem. I told my T once that the Tues-Fri interval feels like swimming laps in a pool. You do it and then after you're done, yay! But the Fri-Tues interval feels like distance swimming in the open ocean with sharks - and no land or boats on the horizon. We really were wrestling with it by that time and my anxiety was often really out of control. But then so, so, so gradually, I started getting it under control. I was really healing, and getting stronger, and while I still felt some anxiety, I could leave on Fridays and choose not to acknowledge it like that song, just whistle a little tune so no one knows Im afraid?
And now its back. I really hate this! And its so discouraging. I feel so in control of things and then step on some land mine and poof! Up in smoke. Still so many triggers, many that I still just dont see coming. I really am not sure what did it today. I keep thinking back over the session: there was that preoccupation of his, and now that I think about it, some unidentifiable, almost imperceptible twinge-y feelings I had when he talked about some things. But darned if I can figure out the trigger. And now Im just so mad at both of us, I dont want to go back next week. Except that I asked for an extra session on Monday (some stuff going on thats pretty stressful right now) and he gave me one without question. Well, maybe I got my wish 3x per week and definitely not twice. I feel like such a fruitcake. And now Ill feel like one all weekend. Arggh
poster:lucie lu
thread:851686
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/851686.html