Posted by Daisym on September 10, 2008, at 22:40:02
In reply to How do you ask for help?, posted by JayMac on September 10, 2008, at 18:12:17
My mother's mantra was "don't tell me what the problem is, tell me what you want me to do about it." It is hard for a child to know how to respond to that. So I learned to do for myself. And for everyone around me. Asking for help is like being naked in public. I'm exposed and I'm sure someone will take advantage of that need. Or get mad at me for needing. I'm so messed up around this, that when people say no to me - nicely and with good reasons, I feel bad for making them say no -- not because they said no - but because I put them in the position of having to say no. (does that make any sense at all?)
In therapy, we've worked hard on asking for help. At first, my therapist framed it as "an experiment." He said, "let's just see what happens if you call me when you want to - before you feel really bad. Don't worry about need for now." It took awhile but we've developed a good system. And the first time he went on a long vacation, he asked me if I wanted to keep something of his. I couldn't think of anything and I didn't know how to say yes to that. He ended up giving me his talisman, with his picture in it, at the last session before the break. And he left me a voice mail.
As we've progressed, I find he waits for me to ask for something but he still often says, "what do you need from me right now?" And together we find the words. It isn't easy but I'm doing it. And being hurt, I've had to ask for help from people. Amazingly, they really are OK with either helping, or saying no, with regret. I hope you can ask your therapist for ways to carry her with you - like voice mail or an email. These are no-cost ways to stay connected. It really is painful to have to cut back on the thing holding you together.
All that said, asking for money is hard for almost everyone. It has to be one of the most uncomfortable experiences - especially among families. It would be easier if they would see your trouble and offer. But it doesn't sound like that is going to happen for you. Perhaps if you can say what you said in your email above, spelling out why things are hard and how much you need to borrow and giving yourself lots of space to pay it back, they might come through for you. Sometimes my siblings ask me to ask one of our parents for help - do you have someone who could go to bat for you?
Keep putting your needs out there. And then watch how the universe responds. You might be amazed.
poster:Daisym
thread:851397
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/851429.html