Posted by susan47 on September 3, 2008, at 9:44:54
In reply to Re: My Story? » susan47, posted by Racer on September 2, 2008, at 21:22:10
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> It sounds as thought you're doing something I used to do about my bad experience: you're making it more global, which prevents you from making it personal. I know that I do that to protect myself from the conflicts I have about having been so hurt. If I say, "this shouldn't be allowed to happen to anyone," I don't have all my standardized "...but I should have..." or "...but I'm not worth anything better, because I'm so bad..." routines, and I also have this deep internal fear that maybe I wasn't really hurt by it, but only think I was because I'm so damaged/selfish/lazy/whatever that I can't accept that everything they said was true, etc.
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Yes! You're absolutely right, the last thought that everything they said was true and I just can't accept it because I'm so lazy/selfish/stupid/psychotic/etc. .... it rings so true, and so does what you say next ....> For me, it's a way to avoid the sorts of pain I felt in childhood, from hearing that I "shouldn't" have felt pain from the things done to me. Instead of hearing that "it wasn't so bad, you're blowing it out of proportion -- just like you always do, because you're so selfish/egocentric/whatever" because I'm saying *I* was hurt and *I* deserved better, I can globalize it, and include all that "...but it wasn't really that bad for me, it just could have been for someone more vulnerable."
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I'm taking on the world as a cause to avoid the fact that I was hurt, but because I'm so Used to being hurt, it's acceptable and excusable somehow, it's only me, but someone else might Really have Suffered. The fact is, I suffered. I just have to accept that.
It still hurts so much to think I phoned my ex-T and told him he was a prick, because he really isn't a very understanding man, let's face it, he definitely could have killed me with his "therapy". Excuse me while I laugh, while I bust a gut laughing at the obvious lie he must tell himself daily in order to get through knowing, Knowing he helped to bring me down, but I AM ALIVE, someone else might not be, he might have done something like this to countless other women, and what does it matter, it only matters to me. (???)Let me know when I'm coming around to a healthy way of thinking, Racer. I'm trying. I still don't really believe I have any rights, after all I am Borderline.
Damn. I would give anything not to be this. I'm going to work on being Okay. Because I understand that two years after Dx, after treatment (DBT) most borderlines no longer qualify for that Dx. Which would be lovely. Absolutely stark raving f*ck*ng lovely.> I don't know if any of that made sense, and I don't know if any of it applies to you. I just thought I'd put that out there, and see if maybe it was helpful to someone else.
It's helpful, it's helpful.
Susan
poster:susan47
thread:849018
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080826/msgs/850054.html