Posted by rskontos on May 19, 2008, at 16:04:30
I am still having a hard time with all that was said but he basically talked me out of leaving, for now. I had in an email sent to him prior to therapy sent him a list of all my grievances. (Reminds me of a prison ward sending in their list of complaints in order to release the hostages) He pointed out that my complaint of him being too sleepy was a not all that correct. He admitted to being tired sometimes but not sleepy. He thinks maybe I am mistaking care and concern for sleepiness because I dont want to get closer to him or continue with therapy because of I have trusting issues. My belief that I am boring is so far off the truth he said, I am far from boring.
He said he cared about my treatment. He cared if I got well. He said if money is the hold up he would treat me for free. I had to really struggle not to cry. He said you understand how this treatment thing works for the most part. I stated I was not sure. I was unsure if I know how to take it further. How to get closer or go deeper. I say that I am not sure I even want to. He said of course you are sure because this is a state you have been in for a long time and it is easier than doing the hard work of getting better. Plus you don't trust me or anyone.
I know what he is getting at. That I am trying to sabotage the efforts of therapy in order to ditch and run. And unfortunately there may be some truth to this. I disagreed about the sleepiness. He says to call him on it at the time I think it is happening and we will discuss the rightness of it then and there. He says he is engaged or present. He says he always know what is going on or being said. He said he misses nothing. I said I get frustrated with the DD part and trying to make sure he understands it.. He said understoods but that is in part because of how hard the whole of DD is too understand. And its my acceptance of it I am sruggling with.. and Agreement is there on this stance too unfortunately, I do still struggle with acceptance of it.. Unfortunately he called me on everything and if we were playing cards I would have to fold because my bluff would have been called and I would lose. There is validity in each of his points. He said you don't want to be vulnerable with me as you have never been in any relationship not even in your marriage. Touche'. He said you can get better and have a life with all you have missed and are missing. I know you can. He fought for the therapuetic relationship today. I did not. He said you have been thinking of ending this for two weeks right and in that time what has been going on outside of here. We discussed that. He said therapy represents hope for you. Without that you might be lost. I don't want you to be lost. I believe very strongly in this. I know you haven't ever trusted anyone before and I want you to trust me. He wants to talk to my husband and let him know what is going on with me. He wants to defuse the situation at home so DH doesn't keep saying just be happy. he wants him to understand what it is like to be in my head. He even set up a time to meet with him.
i was blown away but his level of fight for the continuance. I was blown away by the offer of free treatment. I was blown away by the engagement. Maybe I was wrong?
I am so confused. But there was alot of truth in what he said. He finally called me on my ditch and run attempt. Now what.
Could I intevented the sleepiness or mistook a certain look for a look my father had? Could I see what my father did as a way to stop something as therapy is a hard and threatening thing too?
Is it sometimes just as hard to get well as to stay stuck in our rut cause it is the devil we know versus the devil we don't?
rsk
(forgive my spelling errors I am just too brain dead to try and correct all)
poster:rskontos
thread:829988
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080508/msgs/829988.html