Posted by rskontos on May 1, 2008, at 11:09:38
In reply to Re: Mebbe I switch T's » muffled, posted by Dinah on May 1, 2008, at 9:26:58
Muffled, I have been thinking and maybe you have been too. Maybe I am way off. I had a dream last night or this morning about two of me's. I think you can understand this. How there are two basic two that the rest split off from. This is hard to explain but I will try. It is my basic reasoning I think why therapy isn't working. And I have tried to explain it to doc but he isn't buying it I guess, I get little feedback. Anyway, here goes. The two mes, one is from the rational side of my brain, the other from the emotional side. They are so different. When I dissociate, which I do so much I get stuck on the side with no feelings. Not the emotional side. There I remain for a long time until something snaps to bring me back to the emotional side, usually anger as I think it is the most easily accessed. I have a hard time handling it so an inner steps in, so many over the years have been forged to deal with the abuse etc that they step in quickly, and a cycle is set. I don't really feel the emotions too much and my fragments get more fragmented. It makes it really hard to handle relationships of any kind as the emotions with most are up and down. But at this point my ups and downs are mostly gone. I am flat. I sometimes wish I could find a drug that would give me mania. I think it would be nice to be up for some length of time. I am not sure any therapy would help.
I think my therapist helped for a time because I was in crisis. I am not now. And my inners don't want to dig deeper. They are quiet except when things go to deep. It is different now. THings changed but it is hard to describe. Maybe this makes sense to you. Maybe it doesn't.
All I know is deep down I don't think I can do anything further with therapy right now. Maybe something will change. And it isn't I am not trying I don't think understanding is truly there from the therapist's side. And I lack the words to describe it fully.
I don't know what happened between you and yours. But I know you struggle. Maybe our struggles are similar maybe not. I am not depressed per se just really deeply sadden but I can't say why. Maybe this t of mine just doesn't push when he should. I don't know anymore. I just know I told him I don't know how to change things and he changed the subject to a lite topic. And that made me mad.
I am thinking sometimes change is good. But then again wtf do I know.
rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:826434
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080423/msgs/826585.html