Posted by seldomseen on April 17, 2008, at 3:32:08
In reply to Re: I wanted to go in, he can't see me. » seldomseen, posted by Dinah on April 16, 2008, at 21:07:00
Looking back on it, he may have said that he would have come in early or stay late for me. I don't know, I can't be positive. All I heard, was no I don't have anything on thursday or friday. The defenses went up and I pretty much shut down I guess.
I don't know exactly what he said. What I will say is that, even after all this time and the way I feel right now, I could not have asked him to stay late or come in early. I know it is stupid, but I just couldn't have done it.
I don't know if him not having any time is what is bothering me the most. I am very bothered by absolute dichotomy between our phone conversation (pitiful as it was, lot's of stammering and false starts on his part) and the meeting I was presiding over was just too great.
It kind of underscored the fact that I feel like a big fat phony at work. A fairly competent professional on one hand - leading and organizing the discussion about a 3 million dollar (no joke)proposal - and the traumatized patient asking for time with her therapist on the other.
"Let's table this discussion for a moment, while I take a call from my therapist to discuss my need for annihilation."
My life lately has been like a David Lynch movie.
Anyway, I just woke up from a graphic dream about having open heart surgery (to fix a broken heart no doubt).
No sleep for the rest of the night for me.
On the upside, it's a great opportunity to get caught up on laundry.
The sound of the dryer is very soothing now that I got the quarter out of it.
Another thing that gets me is that all I want to do is be able to love other people and be loved back. I so desparately want to be free from all of this poison, indecision, fear and hurt that is inside of me.
I've made a lot of progress, and believe me, If I could just get up one day and say "Okay - that's it - I'm done with all that" I would.
But as they say, "it's once more into the breach dear friends, or close up the wall..."
I'm not going to close that wall.
Seldom
poster:seldomseen
thread:823500
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/823732.html