Posted by Kath on March 30, 2008, at 18:28:15
In reply to Re: Homework, posted by frida on March 30, 2008, at 14:29:10
Hi frida, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO upset that you have been, what seems to me, re-victimized by your mother's reactions.
>...and that knowing this has destroyed her life.
******I am so sorry she's tried to make this all about HER as a victim.
>She has blamed me for not telling her, and has said that "what you and your dad did to me" has destroyed me.
*****I hope you know that "you & your dad" didn't do ANYthing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE did stuff & it's a wonder he didn't destroy YOU (((((((((you)))))))
> She says some things are better unsaid , and refuses to admit anything directly or care about how i feel about this. Her concern now is that i don't speak in T about all this, that should be just left alone.
*******Once again, I am very sorry that she is not there for YOU, caring about you & is making it all about her...or trying to. I'm glad your T is there for you & I would think it must have felt really good to your inner child that your T believed YOU 150% - make that 200%> As a result, it's been really hard for me to talk in T..She just reinforces the belief that i shouldn't talk. Recently, she has said that what i did, with my father, has been the worst thing that has ever happened in her life.
*******I have no idea how old you are, or if you live with your mother (I hope not) or if not, how often you must (or want to) interact with her. I hope these are things that you can and DO discuss with your T. It seems to me that interacting with your mother is introducing poison into your life. It seems to me that she's already said enough to give you LOTS of raw material for you & your T to work with - to say nothing of what actually happened to you. It seems a shame for your mother to be allowed to say yet MORE things that can hurt; harm; shame you etc.
>Again, she turns this to be about her, and blames me for it, as if it had been something i did, with him, not something he did to me.
****I'm glad that you know this truth, & can see it clearly. That you didn't do ANYthing wrong.> At times that's her reaction, and some other times she simply denies it all. If we get together, she talks about my father and tells anecdotes, and talks about the happy family we were...in front of others, she brings this up and talks about him (it is really painful for me) and has photographs of him with me in the house.
*********Once again, I'm concerned about you. I'm hoping that you are old enough to NOT have to live with her. I hope you can discuss with your T the possibility of attempting to set some healthy-for-you boundaries with your mother & that your T can help you attempt to change the pattern with her & enforce the boundaries & if that does NOT work & she won't respect you, that your T can help you work out what kind of relationship (which might include NONE) you are prepared to have with your mother.
> My T has said that she just isn't willing to face her role in this...
******It sounds like that is true. I do not think it is your job to do anything about that! I think that, sad as it is, you aren't going to get the love, caring, believing & support that anyone in your situation would want from their mother. I am really concerned that you are being bombarded with very damaging comments & actions from your mother ONGOING.
> we've talked about this, and she has said that a mom , living in the same house, can't just not know..
*******actually, she is wrong. More about that in a minute.
However, in your case of course she should have known. For whatEVER reason, she did not WANT to know. You certainly did what you could to speak up - numerous times, from the sound of it. You told her; just not in certain words.I do need to comment, though about moms not knowing. Believe me, there ARE cases where the mom does not know. I speak from personal experience. And when they do learn, years later it is devastating to them; not to have been able to protect their child. There are cases where the mom had stuff happen as a kid, even though she didn't remember (had set it aside)....where the mom always had a fear that something would happen to her daughter & would even check-in with her daughter to try to ensure her safety with friends' families etc. There are cases where the mom was looking out into the forest for danger instead of right at the trees that were really close. There are moms who are TOTALLY different from yours & when they did find out years later, were devastated & plagued themselves with 'how could I not know??? DID I know??? why didn't she tell me? didn't she think I'd believe her? what was she told to make her not tell me?? then - what can I do NOW to support you? what do you need from me? how can I help?' And there are cases where there were VERY few clues, even in hindsight.
In your case that is not true. You certainly 'told' in your own way & I am so very sorry you were ignored & that the situation was ignored.
I wish like anything that you could receive all the things you needed from your mother. I can only imagine how much you yearn for things from her. I get the impression that you & she 'discuss' this & that maybe you hope that you can change her way of thinking. Very sadly, I don't think that's going to happen. ((((you))))
You weren't protected from him in the past....
But from what I see - the very very important thing NOW is that you are potected from the ongoing abuse that your mother continues to inflict upon you.I would think it's like a wound trying to heal & every time she says yet one more thing that is hurtful, the scab gets scraped off. I don't see how you can heal if this continues.
Please, please talk with your T about this. Please.
I wish you healing & peace.
luv, Kath
PS - please forgive me if I have been insensitive or have said anything that might hurt you. We never know how something might affect someone else. I've tried to be careful & I mean only the very, very best for you. xoxoxo Kath
poster:Kath
thread:820633
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080321/msgs/820749.html