Posted by CareBear04 on January 19, 2008, at 21:21:41
In reply to Re: Completely shut off in therapy » CareBear04, posted by Dinah on January 19, 2008, at 12:23:49
thanks dinah. you seem like someone i could really talk to or even just be with and know that there's understanding. i guess i miss having those relationships more than i acknowledge. you're right-- i think people nowadays are more likely to be isolated that, say, a generation ago as it becomes easier to move around and easier to neglect old-school forms of communication. but i feel like i don't even deserve friendships, having been so bad about keeping in touch and being so caught up with myself. anyway, i don't feel like i fit in anywhere now either. that bothers me, too, because it used to be that i kind of made my environment adapt to ME; now i shy away from drawing attention to myself and would rather be alone. i'd like to think this change is just due to depression, but maybe this introversion and isolation is permanent?
i'm glad you feel comfortable and accepted at your Sunday School class. i actually had a group like that last year-- a Girls' Bible Study group one night a week. more than anything, it was a weekly challenge to open up and honestly share what was going on and feel understood and supported. since then, the group leader has moved on, and my nights are pretty unpredictable, so i don't have anything equivalent.
you're right that to quit therapy would be accepting isolation, and that it's an easy way to go. it also feels like what i should do because i feel contagious, like unless i put on a false front, i'll pull everyone down with me. it's just such an effort to pretend everything is great, to always be positive and sweet. it's a no-win situation-- drained from pretending, guilty for being a burden, or destined to isolation. i even feel guilty for not being more interesting and entertaining for my pdoc. i with meds alone were the answer, but i know they never will be. still, if i can just climb in bed and avoid the world for awhile, maybe time, or time and meds, will do just enough to help me face life and people again. i think you pointed out the heart of the problem-- i'm not happy being so isolated, but the effort and guilt associated with inserting myself into society make aloneness more appealing as a default.
i dont' know...
poster:CareBear04
thread:807534
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080114/msgs/807815.html