Posted by rskontos on December 21, 2007, at 20:18:11
Well, I went and all totaled we spent 2.5 hours talking. I think I am finally talked out. He was very nice. I was nervous, I blurted it out. He said that is why you are here right. I laughed. He asked alot of questions in a concise sequential manner but seemed nice about it. I opened up to him in ways I hadnt' with my other therapist. He made points and connections I had not and a really big connection.
He said you have been protecting your mother. Not physically but the image of mother. The image of the need a child has for a mother. (the real one was too scary and unpredictable ) To tell anyone would shatter that. That is a big secret and you have made everyone keep their distance. But you can fake people to think you let them in close but really you don't.
He Got IT. Only one other person in my whole like knew this. This was huge for me. I just knew my mother had a hold over me even dead and I didn't know why but he did. It was the mother I invented for myself since my own wasn't the one I needed.
He said isn't it amazing the lengths a child will go to protect themselves. He said you have amazing skills to protect yourself. You are very bright, no wonder your children are. (We talked about them some) But the trauma you went through was EXTREME. He validated that for me. And this is huge. Because all you all know. When you live it for so long and hide it from all you undermine it to protect yourself.
We talked abou the dissociation, the lack of connection to my body, the losses of time, all of that. And we finally got to parts. And he asked me about a movie I don't recall the name of it but I had never heard of it. And if I related to it but since I had not heard of it I couldnt. He explain DID and I told him about one experience where I am not leaving when one peep comes out, where I partially stay and what i know or rather hear. And this was at the end of 2.5 hours so we talked enough that I stopped saying I was crazy and calmed down enough and he asked me if I wanted to work with him. I never had a doc ask me that. He said cause at this stage I dont take on new patients but I would be honored to take you as a patient as it would be time well spent. He is an older doc. And I said yes. I would like that. I felt a connection but more is I felt in this introduction I made progress. He thinks more like I think I need. Or at least in my limited experience what I think I need now. He says I do need to explore my memories which may or may not come back with dissociation it is not always clear if they come back. That is what I want to do. The other therapist doesnt believe in that. I feel better. He asks alot more questions but in a way I was comfortable with. He wrote nothing down but remembered everything because we had to break after the first hour and resume after an hour. He remembered my sisters names, my children and my husband. I was impressed. His memory is better than mine. So sorry to go on.... Anyway, this is all for now, thanks for reading this long dissertation..
I feel better. Meds will wait for next time. He knows what I am on and will discuss it later. :)
rsk
poster:rskontos
thread:801972
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071215/msgs/801972.html