Posted by muffled on December 11, 2007, at 23:26:25
In reply to My neediness on T gets to me))rambling, posted by star008 on December 11, 2007, at 0:12:49
> Sometimes I feel so pitiful to myself.. I hate needing my T.. I am 47 years old and yet I need someone to tell me what reality is. How is it that he knows and I don't? How is it that he can tell me what is right and I can't see it for myself?? why do I need him to deal with all these inner kids, (yes, peeps muffies!!).. I don't like needing anyone, I don't like to depend on anyone.. In the end it is only me anyway. Yet, I am all alone.. Kids grew and moved.. I have few friends and don't depnd on family, (they are more screwed up than me!)..I hate thinking that he wil retire someday and I will still be a lost ball in the weeds..damn
*lost ball in the weeds...that appealed to me somehow. I envision myself becomming a shuffling bin scavenging street person....
I get SO frustrated myself as well. I kick my own *ss saying I should be able to do better than I am. I too am inmy 40's and feel I haven't accomplished sh*t all. I feel like I should be able to take care of myownself, I been doing it since I was little. Why can't I do it now? Why can I get my damn sh*t together? Why don't I know so much stuff? How did I miss learning SO MUCH stuff? WHY am I split fer chrissakes??? Wht do I deny???? Why don't I know who I am? Why am I sometimes OK and sometimes so NOT OK????
Arrrggghhh.
Yes indeedy, you not alone star.
> I want to be independent.. I want to be able to manage friendships on my own.. I want to be free of the depression that has nearly killed me over the years.. It has stolen everything from me.. It has taken friends away and moved me into isolation. My fault I know.. Who wants to be friends with someone who disappears and doesn't return calls?? then it gets to be so long that I get embarrassed.. No one understands that if I am having trouble being with myself then I don't want to be with anyone else. I never want to do anything cuz I hae no energy and am always tired. Even answering the phone and talking is too much sometimes..So, I chased everyone away and I am all alone.. feeling sorry for myself I guess.. still it feels so bad.. so lonely, but at the same time I don't want anyone around,, Make any sense??*My T and I have had a number of conversations around the fact that some like lotsa friends and some, like her, and me, would prefer fewer but closer friends. But I can't let anybody close. I too inconsistant. Too much of a nut. I let my T closer than anybody, and she not run away....
I dunno, I get scared and confused by people sometimes. People can be awfully deceptive.
> See Muffled?? My nkids are a little more under control than yours are right now, (they didn't used to be), but I am still feeling lost and depressed). No easy way out, no short cuts.. Some people get through things quickly.. Not me..*have you dealt with your kids much? Are they happy? Do you let them out to play sometimes? Are they getting their(gag me!) *needs* met? etc
> I need to break out of the isolation but don't know how.. I need to be more self-sufficient but don't know how to do that either..*I guess you need to find a safe friend. They out there I reckon. I have some friends, noboddy really knows alla me, but y'know, they proly wouldn't run I'm thinking....but still....I dunno. I not ready yet to *talk* to any of them. I am fortunate in that I have a dear sister who lives nearby as well. Mebbe you just goto try, and be straight up with some friends you might think will be OK with you? If they run, oh well, if they stick by you, great! Just be honest bout how sometimes you need to be alone and stuff.
LOL, easy peasy eh! NOT!> thanks for listening to me.. Need to vent the garbage heap now and then
*Glad you jumping in and letting her rip!
Hope you can feel better some.
M
poster:muffled
thread:800062
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071204/msgs/800270.html